(Two of my brothers are in a car accident. It leaves one with just a broken leg, but the other’s right forearm is crushed, forcing them to amputate it at the elbow. He’s been out of surgery for a few hours and we are all very anxious to see him. Finally, we are told that he is awake and we can go into his room for a few minutes. I’m a little nervous to see him in such a helpless state, because he’s normally a very upbeat and energetic person.)
Me: “Hey…”
Brother: “Hi, guys.”
Sister-In-Law: “How do you feel?”
Brother: “Not very good. They cut off my arm, so that sucks.”
Me: “Yeah. I’m sorry, dude.”
Brother: “But on the OTHER HAND…”
(He waves his left hand at us, grinning. Our sister-in-law starts crying and laughing at the same time and has to sit down. My brother has since made a full recovery, and never misses the chance to make an arm pun.)
(I’m at the hospital about to have major surgery to correct a birth defect. I’ve been getting x-rays quite a bit over the previous few months and am asked the same questions every time.)
Tech: “Is there any chance that you could be pregnant?”
Me: “No. Look, I realize you have to ask but I’m 13 years old and have my mother sitting right next to me. If there was a chance, do you REALLY think I would tell the truth?”
Tech: “…”
Mom: *almost falling over laughing*
(My brother is born on Thanksgiving morning. My dad brings me and my-three year-old sister to the hospital to meet our new brother.)
Sister: *bursts into the hospital room and spots my mom, in the hospital bed, holding my brother*
Mom: “Hi, honey. This is—”
Sister: “Mooooom! When are you gonna make the turkey?”
(I’ve broken my ankle after falling off a ladder at my in-laws’ house. They drive me to the hospital and call my husband, who is in another state on business. We arrive at the ER and my father-in-law carries me like a baby through the parking lot. I think this is a selfless and sweet gesture, in the absence of my younger, more able-bodied husband, when suddenly he lifts me above his head and sprints to the doors.)
Father-In-Law: “SANCTUARY! SAAAAAANCTUARY! SANCTUARY!”
Mother-In-Law: “Slow down, Quasi!”
(The nurses at the front were barely able to ask us questions because they were laughing so hard! My nickname at the hospital was Esmeralda.)
(It’s lunch time, and Coworker #1 has promised to go get Coworker #2 her lunch because he is the only one with a working car at the moment. Coworker #2 has asked to have lunch from a well known fast food chain. Coworker #2 is a woman nearing retirement.)
Coworker #1: “So you just want a hamburger and a shake?”
Coworker #2: “Yeah, that’s about it.”
Coworker #1: “So do you want that regular or animal style?”
Coworker #2: “Honey, I haven’t had animal style for a long, long time. Probably the last time Elvis was here.”
(It took the rest of our lunch to stop laughing.)
