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Less Twilight, More Daylight

, , , | Healthy Right | September 1, 2009

Me: “Hi, this is anesthesia. How can I help you?”

Caller: “This is the blood bank, right?”

Me: “No, this is anesthesia.”

Caller: “That’s the same thing, right?”

Me: “Not really.”

Caller: “Well, what is anesthesia?”

Me: “The stuff that puts you to sleep before surgery.”

Caller: “Well who cares about that crap!”

Me: “People who need surgery?”

Caller: “No! You know what they need? BLOOD!”

Me: “Okay… but you still have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Vampires need blood! You’re not a vampire because you don’t need blood! Humans don’t need blood!”

Me: “Sir, humans need blood just as much as a vampire.”

Caller: “Wait, so humans are vampires?”

Me: “No, they just need–”

Caller: “Holy f***! I’M A VAMPIRE! You just made my day!”

Me: “Well, no–”

Caller: “Thank you sooo much!” *click*


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Oh, You Slay Me

, , , | Right | August 7, 2009

Me: “Will that be cash or credit/debit?”

Customer: “Debit.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just need to see your ID.”

Customer: “I don’t have an ID.”

Me: “Well, then I’m afraid you’ll have to choose another payment method. There’s an ATM right down the–”

Customer: *suddenly grinning* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’ YA! I have my ID right here.” *shows me her ID*

Me: “Oh, haha. All right. This all looks fine.”

Customer: *cheerfully* “I have that kinda sense of humor where people don’t know I’m joking.”

Me: “Oh, I have that problem occasionally myself.” *laughs*

Customer: *laughs, suddenly turns serious* “I kill people.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Every Other Customer Who Overheard: “…”

Customer: *guffawing* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’! Have a good day, blondie!”


This story is part of our Weird Customers roundup!

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The Pearly Hyperbaric Chambers

, , , , | Right | August 3, 2009

(I work in a clinic where we study the effects of medications on people. Upon check-in, we confiscate any items that could disrupt the study. I’m returning a pair of ankle weights to a participant; we had to remove them so he wouldn’t work out during the study.)

Me: “Here are your items.” *hands him ankle weights*

Participant: “Can I put them on now?”

Me: “Sure.”

Participant: *sits down and straps on weights* “You know why I wear these?”

Me: “…to build muscle?”

Participant: “So I don’t get the bends when the rapture comes!”


This story is part of our Biblically Bonkers roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

22 Times Religious Customers Went Biblical In The Store

 

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The Flesh Is Bright But The Mind Is Dimming

, , , | Healthy Right | June 8, 2009

Me: “Okay, sir, just a few X-rays and we’ll be done.”

Patient: “Please make it quick. I don’t want to glow when I leave!”

Me: “No, sir, I promise you won’t glow. That’s just an X-ray joke.”

Patient: “It’s dark out! I can’t glow or I’ll be seen!”

Me: “Sir, I swear you will not glow.”

Patient: “NO GLOOOWWWIINNG!”

Me: *gives up* “The glow afterward is so faint, no one will ever see it.”

Patient: “Oh… okay, then. Proceed…”

Acute Mental Failure

, , | Right | May 22, 2009

(At our hospital, patients are called into private registration rooms where all demographic information is completed.)

Me: “Come on in and we’ll get your paperwork ready.”

(The patient enters the room and I close the door.)

Me: “So, how are you?”

Patient: “…”

(There are two large comfy chairs in front of the patient, but she’s still standing.)

Me: “Uh… everything okay?”

Patient: “…”

Me: “Well, uh, so… what procedure are you having today?”

Patient: “…”

Me: “Is that your doctor’s order?”

Patient: “…”

(The patient throws the paper at me. It has most of the info I need to register her, so I don’t ask any more questions. After a minute, I have all of her paperwork ready. During this entire time, still hasn’t sat down.)

Me: “Alright, here is your face sheet. If you’ll go down the hall and hand that to radiology they’ll take care of the rest.”

Patient: “Let me ask you a question now. Why didn’t you tell me to have a seat? You are the most rude person I have ever met!”

(She takes her papers and pushes on the door to open it, not realizing she needs to pull.)

Patient: “Ahhhh! Let me out of here, he’s locked me in! Help, help!”

(The patient knocks over my computer, flips the chairs and starts throwing stuff at me; I hide under the desk during her rampage. Hearing the commotion, security comes in and the patient runs out of the room and out of the hospital, never to be seen again. Afterwards…)

Security: “They really should start paying you more.”