(I’ve just had major surgery to correct my scoliosis. I have rods and screws from the top of my back to the bottom. Because of complications, I’m in ICU during the first few days of recovery. The day after my surgery, a pair of physical therapists come in.)

Physical Therapist #1: “Well, sir, we see you had a pretty big surgery. We’re here to help with your recovery. Our goal is to get you walking again.”

Physical Therapist #2: “We’re gonna see if we can get you from your bed to this chair over here.” *she sets up a walker for me as I carefully sit up*

Physical Therapist #1: “Carefully now, just do your best. Tell us if you need assistance.”

(I slowly stand up and carefully walk the roughly 10 feet from the bed to the aforementioned chair. I get to the chair and carefully sit down. I look at the therapists to ask if I did okay and their jaws are dropped.)

Me: “What? Did I do something wrong?”

Physical Therapist #1: “We said… we said our GOAL was to get you walking again. We didn’t mean TODAY!”

(I went on to walk every opportunity at the hospital and am making a very rapid recovery.)

(At the time, I am four and have just fallen off the couch, hitting my head, which now requires stitches. We are with the doctor now.)

Doctor: “So what happened?”

Dad: “She fell off the couch.”

Doctor: “Oh.”

Me: “That’s not what happened!”

Doctor: *now worried* “Really? So what actually happened?”

Me: “I JUMPED off the couch!”

(Needless to say, the doctor was relieved that he didn’t have to file assault charges.)

(Housemate #1 starts coughing, which worsens as the day progresses. By night, it has gotten so bad, he cannot stop coughing. Concerned, Housemate #2 and I pile him into Housemate #2’s car and drive him to the hospital. While waiting in the ER, paramedics wheel into the bed across a big Samoan rugby player, still in his jersey, with a broken leg. We chat with him and find out that he broke his leg when he ended up in the bottom of a ruck gone bad. Just as we finish the conversation, the doctor comes in to see Housemate #1.)

Doctor: “Okay, [Housemate #1], I have to ask you a few questions. Just the standard questions to figure out your medical history. Please answer them truthfully. Do you smoke?”

Housemate #1: “No.”

Doctor: “Do you drink?”

Housemate #1: “Not much, if at all.”

Doctor: “Please answer this one honestly. I’m not here to judge, all right? Do you do drugs?”

Housemate #1: “No.”

Doctor: “And do you play any sports?”

Housemate #1: “No.”

Doctor: “Good! It can be bad for you.”

Both Of Us: “Yeah…”

(We could not help but sneak a glance at the guy in the bed across…)

(I have three brothers, all of whom are adopted and look absolutely nothing like me. Brothers #1 and #2 are both married, and Brother #1’s wife is in the midst of having their first baby. Brother #2 and I are in the hospital lobby, waiting for Brother #1 to come out once the baby is delivered. It’s very late, and I’m very tired since I haven’t had a chance to sleep since getting off a double shift at work, so I rest my head on my brother’s shoulder. I start drifting off when a middle-aged lady snaps at us.)

Lady: “You shouldn’t bring your sinful ways into a hospital. People are trying to recover here.”

Brother #2: “Sorry?”

Lady: “The Lord can’t heal His children when heathens like you are hanging around.”

Me: “Um… okay.”

(Just then, Brother #2’s wife, who is seven months pregnant, joins us. She kisses her husband on the cheek.)

Sister-In-Law #2: “Sorry I’m late, honey. Is [Sister-In-Law #1] okay? Did she have the baby?”

(We started filling her in while the middle-aged lady slunk away with her tail between her legs.)

(I work in the accident and emergency department of a hospital. It’s a Friday night, and Girl #1 has just come in with anaphylaxis. I am with Girl #2 at this point, who came in via ambulance.)

Girl #2: “My friend [Girl #1] is here at the moment, and everyone was fussing over her so much! She’s fine, right?”

Me: “I wouldn’t know; I haven’t seen her.”

Girl #2: “I know she’s fine. Everyone is making such a big deal out of this. That’s why I called the ambulance. She can’t get all the attention to herself!”

Me: *confused* “Wait, what? So there’s nothing wrong with you? Why are you here?”

Girl #2: “But can you make it sound like I’m really ill? I need to be able to trump her!”