(My foot is broken after I am knocked off my motorbike by a lady who was late for church, and the cast the hospital puts on me causes a blood clot behind my knee. I’m finally being released on Christmas Eve after a week in hospital. Because it is so close to Christmas, due to staff shortages I’ve been on the cancer ward with a mentally challenged girl who had kept me awake all night, every night. I’m in pain and short-tempered as a result, waiting for my family to get the car so I can leave. I’m hobbling through the discharge area on crutches, with a leg brace on, a backpack, a water bottle and another bag full of my belongings from my stay.)

Random Lady: “Here, I have a gift for you.” *tries to hand me a pamphlet*

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any spare hands and my family is waiting for me.”

Random Lady: “Do you want to hear your message from the Lord?” *keeps trying to stuff the pamphlet into my hands*

Me: “Can you leave me alone?” *tries to hop around her*

Random Lady: “This is important! You need to hear the message!”

Me: “You can get out of my way or I will hit you with my crutches!”

Random Lady: *stuffs the pamphlet into my bag* “This is important!”

Me: *finally managed to get out the door and into the car* “What is with all the crazy religious people trying to get me?”

Mum: “Want to go to church tomorrow for Christmas?”

Me: “F*** you.”

(One of my friends had an accident and injured her hand. I am visiting her in hospital.)

Me: “Hey, [Friend]! How are you?”

Friend: “Fine. It’s good to finally see someone else than hospital staff. It’s boring as hell here.”

Me: “Mind to tell me exactly how you managed to nearly rip your finger off on a fence that doesn’t even have sharp corners?”

Friend: “You remember how you told me that you never go running outside, because you would fall and—” *quoting me* “—’probably break every single bone in your body or rip your arm off,’ and I said: Nah, that’s because you are so clumsy; that would never happen to anyone else?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Friend: “…That is exactly what happened to me.”

(She tripped over nothing on an even surface, which is a thing that happens to me on a regular basis and she often makes fun of, and tried to steady herself by gripping a fence, ripping her finger open to the bone in the process. She can move it just fine again, but she has not regained feeling in the finger and now uses it as a party trick. Also, she doesn’t mock me anymore for randomly falling.)

(My family usually has whole conversations by simply quoting movies. My cousin is rushed to the hospital to have emergency surgery. This is the conversation between him, his mom, and the OR nurse as she is wheeling him out of the room.)

OR Nurse: “Okay, we are going to the OR now, you’ll see everyone later.”

Cousin: “Okay, but bring the machine that goes BING!”

OR Nurse: “Umm…okay.”

Aunt: “Well, sweetie, it is 106 miles to Chicago, we have a full tank of gas, a half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark out, and we are wearing sunglasses.”

Cousin: “Hit it!”

OR Nurse: “I am pretty sure it is more than 106 miles to Chicago from here.”

Cousin & Aunt: “…”

(I have a severe aversion to getting bloodwork done. While I know it’s all in my head, I’ve managed to faint and have seizures several times. To make everyone’s life easier when I absolutely need bloodwork done, I make sure to tell whoever is doing it about the problem. USUALLY, they find a way to work with me.)

Me: *explains my problem with bloodwork* “It’d probably be best if I can lie down, if possible.”

Male Nurse: “You’re a grown-up. No one likes needles. You’ll be fine.”

Me: “It’s more than that. I’ve had seizures…”

Male Nurse: “Look, if anything happens, I’ll catch you. Okay?”

Me: “Um… okay…”

(Bloodwork begins. The next thing I remember is everything going black. I wake up on the floor.)

Female Nurse: “Are you okay?!”

Male Nurse: “She’s faking it. No one faints from having blood drawn! She just wanted to lie down. She even asked for a bed.”

Female Nurse: “That’s why  we have a bed.” *to me* “Sweetie, did you know this would happen?”

Me: “I told him I’ve fainted and had seizures from bloodwork, and asked to lie down, so… yes?”

([Female Nurse] helps me up, walks me to the room with a bed, and lies me down, leaving juice at the side table beside me. Once I’m okay to stand up again…)

Female Nurse: “Do you want to try again?”

Me: “Um… can you do it?”

Female Nurse: “Sure. Don’t worry; he’s gone home for the day.”

(I got my bloodwork done, lying down, and managed to not black out, though I still did get lightheaded. Thank you, nice lady nurse.)

This story is part of our Epilepsy roundup.

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(I’m visiting my cousin in the hospital, who is 19, pregnant, and is almost a week past her due date. I am allowed by the nurses to take her outside to a small picnic area, where we have lunch. Suddenly, an old man in a wheelchair wheels over. Having worked in food service and dealt with some nasty people, I prepare for the worst.)

Old Man: “When are you due, young lady?”

Cousin: “Oh, I’m almost a week past my due date, which has the doctor concerned.”

Old Man: “Well, I hope the baby turns out to be just as beautiful as you.” *smiles*

Cousin: *blushes and smiles* “Oh, well, thank you, sir. That’s very kind of you.”

Me: *meekly* “I’ll be honest; I thought you were coming over here to scold her.”

Old Man: “Oh, no. I imagine you faced a lot of criticism since it’s fairly obvious you’re younger, but God gave you this baby for a reason, and who am I to denounce Him? The world would be a lot better place if people realized that God is all about love and forgiveness, not hate and punishment.”

(At this point, my cousin was nearly in tears and she hugged him around her belly. He was called away by one of the nurses, and the very next day, my cousin had her baby, a healthy little boy.)