Doesn’t Have The Green Light

| WA, USA | Related | May 9, 2016

(My brother got rear ended and while he’s not badly injured he’s still at the ER. While we’re waiting for further information I decide to try a mind trick on him, ‘cause we’re bored.)

Me: “What does S-H-O-P spell?”

Brother: “Shop… Why?”

Me: “What do you do at a green light?”

Brother: “Uh, stop.”

Me: “Well, now I found out how you got rear ended.”

Brother: “…JESUS CHRIST, [MY NAME]! Stop fooling the injured.”

Ultrasound And Ultra Secure

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Related | May 4, 2016

(I am four months pregnant. My boyfriend and I are discussing whether we should learn the sex of the baby.)

Boyfriend: “I think we should know. How else are we supposed to prepare for it?”

Me: “I just don’t want to know the baby’s sex until it’s born. If we check now, it will ruin the surprise.”

Boyfriend: “What are we supposed to tell everyone at the baby shower?”

Me: “We can tell them we don’t know what the baby is going to be.”

Boyfriend: “What if the family wants to bring gifts?”

Me: “They can buy gender neutral gifts.”

Boyfriend: “I actually want to know the baby’s sex.”

Me: “Well, I don’t.”

Boyfriend: “I have an Idea.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You can get an ultrasound and I’ll tell the doctor you don’t want to see it. I’ll know what the baby will be but you won’t and we can see if there are any problems.”

Me: “That’s a great idea. Let’s try it. I’ll make the appointment.”

(One week later I get my ultrasound. The doctor and my boyfriend watch the screen and look confused and frustrated.)

Me: “Is everything okay?”

Doctor: “Yes, everything is going well. I don’t see any complications.”

(The doctor and my boyfriend continue to stare at the screen and look like they’re getting impatient.)

Me: “Can someone tell me what’s going on?”

Boyfriend: “You should see this.”

Me: “I told you I don’t want to know the sex of the baby until it’s born.”

Boyfriend: “I promise you won’t.”

Me: “Okay, show me what you’ve been watching, but only for a second.”

(The doctor turns the screen towards me and right there in clear view is my baby… with its legs crossed in a way that makes it impossible to see the genitals. We ended up waiting until the birth to find out the baby’s sex. It’s a boy.)

Legal Fees Are Eternal

| UK | Working | May 2, 2016

(I work as a nurse in a hospital. The phone at the nurses station rings, I pick up and it’s our ward clerk.)

Clerk: “Hi, I got Mr. [Patient]’s eternity on the phone.”

Me: “Who?!”

Clerk: “His eternity.”

Me: *thinking, is my patient dead and am I having an out-of-body experience right now?* “Um… put them through?”

Voice On The Phone: “Hello, I’m Mr. [Patient]’s solicitor. I’m calling to enquiry into…”

(After the phone call, I walk to the clerk’s desk.)

Me: “So, when you say eternity… Did you mean attorney?”

Clerk: “Oh, I can’t pronounce that word.”

Me: “Why can’t you just say lawyer?”

Making Mom :-(

| PA, USA | Related | April 22, 2016

(I had recently found a lump in my neck, so we go in to get a sonogram of it. The following happens in the reception office with my mom. I am a typical teenager:)

Mom: “Hey, [My Name], what does this mean?”

(She then shows me a text she got from my older sister with a :b emote at the end. I immediately start cracking up.)

Me: “Mom, really? It’s a sticking your tongue out emote. It means you’re being playful. I thought only sit-com moms didn’t understand those things!”

(My mom begins to get all flustered.)

Mom: “Just tell me what it means!”

Me: “I just told you, it means you’re being playful. [Sister] is so hearing about this.”

Mom: “Oh, shut up!”

(I couldn’t stop laughing. They very nearly had to sedate me for the sonogram.)

PH’Duh

, | ME, USA | Working | April 21, 2016

(I work in the laboratory of a major hospital. Part of my duties as a lab assistant is to determine if a specimen is acceptable for testing. I’ve received a specimen in a pediatric tube with a testing request that can only be done with the amount obtainable in an adult tube. I call the floor to let the nurse know we can’t run it.)

Me: “Hey are you the nurse for [Patient]? We can run [Test #1] on the tube you sent but [Test #2] requires two milliliters more blood.”

Nurse: “Oh, geez. Okay, I’ll let the doc know and see if they still want it. Thanks.”

(At this point he hangs up. Not even five minutes later, the physician calls.)

Me: “Laboratory, can I help you?”

Doctor: “Yeah, why don’t you run [Test #2]?”

Me: “We can’t run it on this specimen; the minimum amount for the test is two milliliters.”

Doctor: “Well, can’t you LOWER the minimum? This is a child we’re talking about!”

(At this point I’m stunned. Yes, doc, I’m going to bend the rules of science just for you.)

Me: “I… no, we can’t lower a minimum. We need more blood to do this test.”

Doctor: “Well, it’s a child and they’re in critical care!”

Me: “I understand but we literally cannot work with this little amount of blood; I’m sorry.”

(He finally hung up in a fury.)

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