Seeing Eye Blind

| Lafayette, CO, USA | Friendly | May 23, 2016

(I’m sitting next to an elderly couple in the lobby, waiting for my ride. A woman walks in with a Chihuahua on a pink, retractable leash. After a few moments:)

Woman: “I can’t believe they let a dog go into the hospital.”

(Long pause.)

Man: “I think it was a Seeing Eye dog.”

(Sigh.)

Nil By Brain

| AZ, USA | Right | May 18, 2016

(I am waiting to get a cat scan and MRI at the hospital when I overhear the following:)

Nurse: “Did you get the instructions to prepare for the tests?”

Patient: “Yes.”

Nurse: “Did you see where it said that you can’t eat or drink before testing?”

Patient: “Yes.”

Nurse: “Have you eaten or drank anything today?”

Patient: “No, I haven’t.”

(The nurse is called away and the man sits facing a sign that says if you have eaten anything your test may need to be rescheduled. A new nurse approaches.)

Nurse #2: “Did you eat breakfast today?”

Patient: “No.”

Nurse #2: “Did you drink anything?”

Patient: “No.”

Nurse #2: “Did you take any medicine?”

Patient: “No.”

Nurse #2: “Not even ibuprofen?”

Patient: “No.”

Nurse #2: “So you haven’t eaten or drank anything today?”

Patient: “No.”

Nurse #2: “Not even water?”

Patient: “No.”

Nurse #2: “And you haven’t taken any medicine?”

Patient: “No, I haven’t.”

Nurse #2: “Okay.” *turns to leave*

Patient: “But I drank some milk when I took my medicine. And then I ate a plate of eggs.”

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Getting Fractionally Worse

| London, England, UK | Working | May 14, 2016

(I have cystic fibrosis, so I’m in the hospital a lot. Every time I go in, I have to have a special needle put in which “plugs” into a valve (called a portacath) under my skin. This has been routine for me since it was put in at age 14, when I was still very small. I’m now 20 and in an adult hospital, so the nurses sometimes have an issue with the fact that I need child-sized needles.)

Nurse: *knocks on door* “We’re ready to put your port needle in now. Is this a good time?”

Me: “Yes, but have you been told about the needle size I need?”

(He just stares at me.)

Me: “Large needles won’t fit into my portacath; I need child-size ones. Half-inch.”

Nurse: “We have three-quarters and one inch.”

Me: “Okay… but those are too big. I need a half-inch. If you absolutely can’t get a half-inch, a five-eighths will just be able to fit with a lot of dressing.”

Nurse: “Our needles are three-quarters.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “A three-quarters will not fit. It’s too big.”

Nurse: “What about one inch?”

Me: “That’s BIGGER, so, no, that won’t fit either.”

Nurse: “Um…”

Me: “I need a five-eighths needle, because I doubt you’ll be able to find the one-half. Five-eighths. Anything else will be TOO BIG.”

Nurse: “We are going to have to do it with a three-quarters if that’s okay.”

Me: “Go get another nurse, please.”

(The other nurse immediately understood and managed to find a five-eighths needle without any issues. The first nurse didn’t come into my room again, and I only ever saw him changing bedding after that.)

Where Else Would You Egg-spect Them To Come From?

| SC, USA | Right | May 11, 2016

(I’m an ER nurse and I am talking to one of my patients about my farm back home.)

Me: “Yeah, I have chickens and they’re about to—”

Patient: “What do you have chickens for?”

Me: “They lay fresh eggs that my family and I can eat.”

Patient: “You eat the eggs out of a chicken’s butt!?”

Me: “Uh… where do you think eggs come from?”

Patient: “I buy mine from the store. They’re store eggs!”

Me: “Those come out of a chicken’s butt, too.”

Patient: “But… but you said the ones you have are brown. The ones I get are white.”

Me: “Yeah… some chickens lay white eggs and other lay brown. That’s not how—”

Patient: “I guess I’m just never having eggs again… like, ever. That’s disgusting.”

Doesn’t Have The Green Light

| WA, USA | Related | May 9, 2016

(My brother got rear ended and while he’s not badly injured he’s still at the ER. While we’re waiting for further information I decide to try a mind trick on him, ‘cause we’re bored.)

Me: “What does S-H-O-P spell?”

Brother: “Shop… Why?”

Me: “What do you do at a green light?”

Brother: “Uh, stop.”

Me: “Well, now I found out how you got rear ended.”

Brother: “…JESUS CHRIST, [MY NAME]! Stop fooling the injured.”

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