He’ll Be In The Afterlife After The Birth

| CA, USA | Health & Body, Holidays, Spouses & Partners, Top

(It is Halloween. The hospital staff have put up decorations, but they’re minimal. I’m trying to wheel a patient who is in labor, to the room she was assigned, along with her husband.)

Patient’s Husband: “We should put her in the room with the witch hanging over the door.”

Me: “I’m sorry. That room’s actually a different size. I’m supposed to take you to room 79.”

Patient’s Husband: “But that room has a ghost. She wants a witch.”

Me: “The only room we have with that decoration is half the size of this one, and doesn’t have all the same equipment in it. This is the room you paid for.”

Patient’s Husband: “It has to be a witch. She’s been real nasty all week.”

(As she hears her husband say this, the wife is looking less and less pleased. She is a week overdue, and has been in for false labor pains the past two weeks.)

Me: “That’s interesting, but there aren’t any decorations inside the room anyway. What is inside this room is a much wider space for the doctor and nurses to provide her with better care.”

Patient’s Husband: “She wants a witch, so put her in the room with the witch.”

(Finally, the patient has had enough and speaks up.)

Patient: “Shut up. I want to get this kid out in whatever room the people who know what they’re doing think is best, you dumb troll!”

Won’t Listen Until You’re Code Blue In The Face

| KS, USA | Health & Body

(We’ve been extremely busy in the small ER where I work. We’re completely full with people in the waiting room when an ambulance brings in a Code Blue—someone not breathing. The x-ray tech and I are standing in the nurse’s station awaiting instructions, when a patient’s relative comes up.)

Relative: “What’s going on? Why hasn’t the doctor come in to see my son? We’ve been waiting over an hour!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, we have a Code Blue critical patient in and the doctor is busy.”

Relative: “Too busy to check on his patients? This is ridiculous! We haven’t even seen a nurse in 20 d*** minutes!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, like I said, everyone’s busy with the Code Blue and nobody is free at the moment.”

Relative: “This unacceptable! My son is in pain back there, and you don’t give a s***!”

(At this point, the nursing supervisor and the relative of a different patient walks up.)

Supervisor: “Ma’am? Can I help you?”

Relative: “My son is back there in pain and these two aren’t doing a thing about it! Just standing around! And the doctor hasn’t even been in to see him!”

Supervisor: “Well, ma’am, as these young ladies have told you multiple times, we have Code Blue that needs our attention right now.”

Relative: “What the f*** does that even mean?”

Another Patient’s Relative: “It means that someone is DYING, you idiot. Your son’s headache can wait a few minutes!”

(The first relative looked absolutely ashamed of herself and quickly retreated. The other patient’s relative later went on to buy some candy for all our staff as a thank you for working so hard.)

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 6

| Orlando, FL, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Transportation

(I work as a food runner for a hospital. My job requires me to wear a tuxedo. One day after work, I stop by a nearby dollar store to get a soda. I’m sitting on the bench outside the store drinking my soda when a fancy car pulls up right in front of me. A man gets out and walks around the car.)

Man: “Ahem.”

(I look up at him and see he’s looking right at me, but I don’t do anything.)

Man: *louder* “Ahem!”

Me: “What?”

Man: “You incompetent moron! Do you need to be told how to do your job?”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Man: “That’s it, you’ve just lost your tip. Now get over here and park my car.”

(I realized he must think I’m a valet because I’m still wearing my tux.)

Me: “I don’t work here, dude. Leave me alone.”

Man: “You will address me as ‘sir’, and you will do your job right now, or I will go into that store, find your manager and have you fired for your unprofessional behavior. Look at you, drinking cola while you’re on the job! It’s because of people like you that our economy is collapsing!”

Me: “Listen, a**hole, I already told you I don’t work here. Leave me alone and park your own d*** car.”

Man: “That does it, I’m going to find your manager! You’ll be standing in line at the soup kitchen this time next week!”

(He locks his car door and storms into the store. About five minutes later, he returns with the store manager, pointing furiously at me.)

Man: “There, you see? That’s the valet who refused to park my car and insulted me! I demand that you fire him immediately!”

(The manager looks at him like he’s insane.)

Manager: “Sir, we don’t have valets. He doesn’t work here.”

Man: “I don’t want to hear your excuses! You will fire that man immediately!”

Manager: “I told you already, that guy doesn’t work for us. This is [Store].”

Man: “Have you all lost your minds? You think that because Obama’s in the White House that you can get away with not showing me the respect I deserve? You think Obama will save you after people like you destroy this country?”

(The man rants about President Obama and the “destruction of American values” for a good two minutes. The manager is too stunned to say anything. Finally the man gets back in his car and drives away. The manager looks at me and I just shrug.)

Related:
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 5