Pregnant With Ignorance

| Birmingham, England, UK | Working | July 25, 2016

(I have gone to the hospital with a rather intimate problem and of course the doctor asks me about my private life, etc. She then asks if I minded talking to a new student nurse and I agree, as they have to learn!)

Nurse: *after reading my notes CLEARLY stating I have never had relations with anybody* “I think you might be pregnant.”

Me: “Well, that is impossible, unless it is another virgin birth.”

Nurse: “Well, I’m certain you are pregnant and I want you to do a pregnancy test to clarify.”

(I do but I roll my eyes and no surprises when it came up negative. The nurse looks at it.)

Nurse: “I still think you’re pregnant…”

(I felt like screaming, but both I and the doctor had a laugh when I told her!)

That Moment We All Thread

| Germany | Working | July 18, 2016

(I had a laparoscopy to remove fluid of a burst abscess from my stomach. I only have three small wounds, closed with one thread each. Unfortunately, the tube for the drainage was placed right next to a nerve, causing extreme pain, so they had the head physician remove the threads and the drainage.)

Doctor: “There, all done.”

Me: “Miss, you only removed the drainage and the thread that held it in place…”

Doctor: “Yes, as I’ve said, all done!” *smiles*

Me: “I’m pretty sure the wounds in my navel and on the left side of my stomach were stitched, too.”

Doctor: “No, no, don’t worry. There was only one thread.”

Me: “Miss. There is blue fuzz in the scabs of both wounds. I’m pretty sure that my blood isn’t able to form blue fuzz. Those are the knots of threads, as far as I can tell.”

Doctor: *checks my wounds* “No, all done. There are no threads.”

(About a week later, my wounds got infected, so I got my mother’s medical kit out (she’s a nurse) and carefully removed the scabs to disinfect the new scar tissue. Lo and behold, there were the blue threads. I removed them myself and the infection healed, but the two scars where the threads were left in still act up to this day and are, despite their small size, very eye catching and ugly. The doctor got laid off after nearly the whole hospital staff signed a petition against her.)

It’s About To Go Bubonic

, | Denmark | Learning | June 29, 2016

(My classmates and I are out in the microbiology department of a hospital as part of our education and have been working with some pre-run patient samples, mostly innocuous, when…)

Classmate: “Hey, I think this is a MRSA.”

Teacher: “What?” *looks over her findings* “Huh, sure looks like it… Hold on, I’ll have to run this.”

(Sure enough, it’s a MRSA someone had missed. It’s a big deal to keep MRSA contained in Denmark, so this near-miss was a little scary. A while later…)

Classmate: “Yersinia pestis…” *aka: the Black Death*

Me: “What?!”

Classmate: *looks up from instruction booklet she was reading* “Huh?”

Me: “Oh, thank goodness. I thought you’d found something else terrifying!”

Classmate: “Yeah, I just attract those!”

Has No Hang Ups About Hanging Up

| Hungary | Working | June 29, 2016

(It’s Thursday and I’m calling to ask whether my doctor, whom I visit three times a year, is in the next day. I never needed to get an appointment before; I just show up. According to the schedule posted online she is on duty on Friday, but since it is summer, she might be on holiday. The schedule also seems to be old, so I want to make sure.)

Assistant: “[Hospital Department], [Assistant] here.”

Me: “Good morning, I’m [My Name] and I’m calling to ask if [Doctor] is in tomorrow.”

Assistant: *in an unfriendly, resentful tone* “Morning. No, she won’t be here. Goodbye.”

(She quickly hangs up before I can say another word. I really hate to speak on the phone anyway so my boyfriend calls the hospital back to ask again.)

Boyfriend: “Good morning, I would like to ask when [Doctor] will be in next week.”

Assistant: “Morning. On Tuesday. ” *hangs up again immediately*

(Someone really did not want to do their job that day! But maybe if we make a third call, we will finally know the exact hours…)

Dealing With The Switchboard Horde

, | TX, USA | Right | June 15, 2016

(The following calls are all in a row at the very beginning of my shift. Caller #1 is very elderly lady, #2 is middle aged lady, #3 is young man.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #1: “MIKE?! Is that you? MIKE?!”

Me: “This is the operator; can you give me the last name of the patient?”

Caller #1: “I need Mike. Put Mike on the phone!”

(The caller then hangs up. I answer the next call:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #2: “Yes, could you please look out your window and tell me the name of the foot doctor across the street?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t have a window in my office. Do you know the name of the doctor you are looking for? I could look it up on the Internet.”

Caller #2: “No, I don’t know his name. That is why I’m calling you. Could the security guard go outside and see if he can find a foot doctor over there.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but they are all patrolling the hospital and they wouldn’t be able to leave the property.”

(The caller then hangs up. I answer the next call:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #1: “Why do you keep answering the phone? I am trying to talk to my husband, Mike! Put him on the phone!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. What is your husband’s last name?”

Caller #1: “Do you not have sense?”

(The caller then hangs up. I answer the next call:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #3: “Can you help me? I can’t find my walis eefus.”

Me: “I’m sorry; are you looking for a patient?”

Caller #3: “No! I lost my walis effus getting out of the car and I thought someone turned them in.”

Me: “I’m not understanding. What did you lose? Can you spell that for me?”

Caller #3: “My walisssssssssssss eeeeeeefussssssssss! You know… my W-I-R-E-L-E-S-S … E-A-R-P-H-O-N-E-S!”

Me: “Let me put you through to lost and found.”

(I transfer the caller. I answer the next call:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #1: “MIKE?!”

Me: “…”

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