Making A Spectacles Of One Self

| Chicago, IL, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body

(I am working in the emergency department. I am tending to an elderly woman who is accompanied by her middle-aged daughter. The woman’s daughter has just sent a text.)

Daughter: “Well, I hope he can read what I typed, because I can’t see anything without my glasses.”

Mother: “You do know that you have a pair of glasses on your head, don’t you?”

(A look of embarrassment crosses the woman’s face, and her mother bursts out laughing hysterically. I smile and turn to the mother.)

Me: “It’s nice when someone else does that for a change, isn’t it?”

(The mother has a big smile on her face.)

Mother: “Yes, it is!”

Why Nurses Need Hazard Pay

| IN, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body

(I’m a senior nurse. A patient has been caught leaving her room to go to her car and smoke. After repeated warnings on numerous occasions, her doctor finally draws the line.)

Doctor: “If she’s well enough to go and smoke, I think she’s well enough to be discharged.”

(The patient is enraged at this, and starts yelling.)

Patient: “I need my cigarettes! You’re discriminating against me!”

(She finally leaves. I get called by another nurse to her former room several minutes later.)

Nurse: “You have to see this.”

(The patient’s room is completely smeared with feces; on the bed, in the bathroom sink, all over the walls. There’s even a pile just inside the door that we almost step on.)

Me: “What kind of person does something like this?! It’s not human!”

Nurse: “If you’re that upset about not getting your nicotine, something is wrong with you!”

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Emerging Non Emergencies Reaching Emergency Levels

| AZ, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Health & Body

(I work at the check-in counter for the ER. A patient comes in, dragging her very embarrassed teenage daughter behind her.)

Me: “Hi! How can I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, I’m bringing in my daughter.”

Me: “And what brings you to the emergency room today, ma’am?”

Patient: “My daughter.”

Me: “I see. What is wrong with your daughter that brings you in tonight?”

Patient: “Her monthly is irregular.”

Me: “So, you want to bring her to the emergency room for irregular periods?”

Patient: “Duh!”

Me: “Have you taken her to her family doctor?”

Patient: “No!”

(As we’re not legally allowed to turn away any patient, I begin the registration.)

Patient: “And me, too.”

Me: “You want to check yourself in, too, for irregular periods?”

Patient: “No! God!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. What are we checking you in for?”

Patient: “Can’t you see it?!”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Patient: “My face!”

(She shoves her face up close to mine.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but you’ll need to be a little more specific.”

Patient: “I got ‘the zits’!”

(Her face looks fine. I see one blemish that doesn’t even look like a zit.)

Me: “So, you came to the… emergency room… for adult acne?”

Patient: “YES! God, what are you, stupid?”

Me: “And have you seen your doctor about this?”

Patient: “No! This is my doctor!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is the emergency room. We treat emergencies. We are not your regular doctor.”

Patient: “Yes, you are. FIX IT!”