On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 6

| MD, USA | Health & Body, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am a hospital clerk. I am sitting in a staff-only workroom during my break when a man in a wheelchair comes in. He is non-verbal due to a surgery, but is in his right mind.)

Patient: “Grunt.”

Me: “Hi, sir. Can I help you?”

Patient: “Grunt, GRUNT, GRUUUUUUUNT!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I don’t understand. Why don’t we go up to the front desk and get some paper so you can write?”

(We go to the desk, and I get the patient some paper. He writes, “Please take me outside.”)

Me: “I’m on break, but sure, I don’t mind. Do you want me to wheel you outside or can you do it yourself?”

Patient: *points to me*

(I try to wheel him into an elevator. Unfortunately, I’m 5’1” and seven months pregnant, and he’s about 350 lbs. We don’t make it.)

Me: “Sir, I’m so sorry. I can’t do it.”

(The patient slaps me.)

Me: “Ouch! Sir! Please don’t do that. I’ll call someone else to take you.”

(He slaps me four more times, twice in the stomach.)

Me: “Owowow! Sir. Stop right now! You’ll hurt the baby! STOP! STOP IT! If you touch me again, I will call security.”

Patient: “GRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUNNNNNT!”

(He wheels himself into the elevator and leaves. I bend over and grab my stomach, in tears. One of the nurses finds me and checks me out. I dry my tears and page security.)

Me: “Officer [name]? This is [me]. We’ve got a patient, Mr. [name], who’s been harassing and assaulting staff. He just slapped me in the face and stomach because I couldn’t take him outside. Could you do something?”

Officer: “That guy? He did WHAT? Okay, I’m going to talk to him right now.”

Me: *to nurse* “He’ll take care of it.”

Nurse: “How do you know?”

Me: “Believe me, I know.”

(The officer arrives and begins speaking to the patient. Meanwhile, the nurse and I slink outside to hear the conversation.)

Officer: “Sir, I understand you’ve been harassing the staff. A clerk reported that you assaulted her because she could not wheel you around. Now let me explain something to you. That clerk was on her break and did not have to wheel you outside. She did it because she is kind. You can wheel yourself, so you shouldn’t have asked her to begin with. Also, she is not only far smaller than you, but she is also obviously pregnant. It was incredibly selfish of you to ask her to do that, when you could probably tell from the beginning she couldn’t do it. And when you realized she couldn’t do it, you could have asked someone else. You had no right to assault her. You not only hit a woman, but you hit the woman who happens to be my wife and is carrying our first child, so if she or our baby suffers any damage because you thought it was okay to slap a pregnant woman in the stomach, I will personally make sure you pay for your actions in every way possible. Do you understand?”

(The patient gives a thoroughly terrified nod, and wheels himself away as fast as he can. That patient never gave me any trouble again. I love my husband!)

Related:
On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 5
On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 4
On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 3
On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 2
On The Need For Hazard Pay

She Has An Anachronic Case

| New Zealand | Health & Body, History, Top

(My mother is a schoolteacher. To celebrate the end of school, she and the other teachers have a party, of which the theme is anachronisms. My mother wears, among other things, a Greek toga and a top hat. During the party, she hurts her leg and phones me to help her get to the hospital. We finally get to see a doctor at two o’clock in the morning.)

Doctor: “So, er… What’s the problem?”

Mum: “I hurt my leg during a party.”

(She shows him where it hurts, and the doctor feels around for a while.)

Doctor: “How exactly did you do this?”

Mum: “Well, the music came on, and I was so excited to start dancing that I jumped up, and suddenly my muscle went pop!”

Doctor: “This is probably the most interesting accident we’ve had for a while. Will you take off your socks, please, so I can see better?”

(My mother pulls them off to reveal her blackened toes, which she had coloured in before the party.)

Doctor: “What’s that?”

Mum: “Oh, don’t mind that. It’s just the bubonic plague.”

(Later, as I am sitting in the waiting room while my mum has her leg bandaged, I hear the doctor saying she’d made his night!)

Making A Spectacles Of One Self

| Chicago, IL, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body

(I am working in the emergency department. I am tending to an elderly woman who is accompanied by her middle-aged daughter. The woman’s daughter has just sent a text.)

Daughter: “Well, I hope he can read what I typed, because I can’t see anything without my glasses.”

Mother: “You do know that you have a pair of glasses on your head, don’t you?”

(A look of embarrassment crosses the woman’s face, and her mother bursts out laughing hysterically. I smile and turn to the mother.)

Me: “It’s nice when someone else does that for a change, isn’t it?”

(The mother has a big smile on her face.)

Mother: “Yes, it is!”