Fill In The Blanks

| England, UK | Working | August 27, 2016

(My friend isn’t feeling well, so my boyfriend and I pay for a taxi and take them to A&E. When we get there my friend runs to the bathroom and I go to the counter to check them in. There are two people, a man in a suit typing away and a woman in a nursing uniform who looks less busy than the man. I decide to try going to the less busy person first.)

Me: *stands in front of the nurse, who stares blankly at her screen for a few minutes*

Me: “Excuse me?”

Nurse: *blankly stares at me*

Me: “I need to check my friend in?”

Nurse: *blank stare*

Me: “They’re unwell?”

Nurse: *blank stare*

Me: “They need to see a doctor?”

Nurse: “Oh. Right. This man will help you.” *motions to male typing on his computer*

Man: *blank stare*

(I’m really glad that wasn’t the place where people go for emergency treatment or anything.)

He’s Going To Need The Hospital Next

| USA | Friendly | August 26, 2016

(I like to crochet tiny toys which I then take to the local hospital where my sister works and give them out to kids, who are either patients or visiting sick family members, to make them feel better. I’ve just given some to a pair of children in the ER when a woman approaches me.)

Woman: “Excuse me; I saw you were giving out toys to the children. My daughter has already been discharged, but she’d like to know if she can still have one?”

Me: “Of course she can have one!”

(She leads me to her daughter, who is with her dad and waiting for the okay to leave, and I let her choose a toy from my box. She picks a tiny octopus.)

Woman: “Now what do you say?”

Girl: “Thank you!”

Woman’s Husband: *jokingly* “You say, ‘Thanks for the octopus, b****!’”

(His wife then started smacking him with her purse, hard. I was laughing too hard to be offended.)

Don’t Baby-Talk Me

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Right | August 24, 2016

(Working in a hospital’s restaurant, I get asked where a lot of things are, most of the time where ER and the main doors are. The creepiest thing I’ve been asked is:)

Visitor: “So, where are the babies?”

Hot Gas Coming Out Both Ends

, | MD, USA | Related | August 19, 2016

(My husband and I are sitting on the couch while I nurse our two-week-old baby girl.)

Me: “Babe, when I’m done feeding her can you burp her and put her down for her nap?”

(He starts moaning and groaning while clutching his stomach.)

Me: *sarcastically* “Are you okay?”

Husband: “Owwww”

Me: “Babe, what’s wrong?”

Husband: “Ugh, it’s my stomach. It really really really hurts.”

(My husband is known for over exaggerating his pain and illnesses, just like my father did, so I know he’s probably just suffering from slight indigestion or just trying to get out of taking care of the baby.)

Me: “You’re fine. It’s probably something you ate, you big baby.”

Husband: “No. This really really hurts. You have no idea how bad this hurts! I can barely even move without it hurting!”

(Having just given birth to our daughter two weeks ago, I’m a little miffed at this comment.)

Me: “You’re saying your pain is so bad that even I wouldn’t understand how bad it is?”

Husband: “Ow, ow, ow! Yes!”

Me: “Oh, my God!”

(I sit the baby down in her crib and run to the phone to call my mother-in-law, who lives down the street.)

Husband: “What are you doing? Ow, ow, ow.”

Me: “I’m calling your mother to come over to watch the baby. I need to take you to the hospital!”

Husband: “No, no! Why would you need to do that? That’s not necessary! I’ll be fine… ow… ugh…”

Me: “Fine, but if you’re in pain worse than I could know then it must be serious and I’m at least taking you to an urgent care center!”

(I call my mother-in-law and she rushes right over to take care of the baby while I drive my husband to an urgent care center. The whole time he says he doesn’t need to go to the hospital and doesn’t need a doctor, but still continues to moan and groan and make claims that his stomach pain is worse than anything I could imagine. When we’re seen by the doctor he gives my husband a short physical examination and puts pressure on my husband’s stomach, causing him to pass gas loudly in the examination room.)

Doctor: *and me* “Hahahahahaha.”

Me: “So you’re trying to tell me that this horrible pain you’ve been experiencing, that was supposed to be worse than any pain I could possibly imagine, keeping in mind I just gave birth to your eight-pound baby two weeks ago after 48 hours of labor, ended up just being gas?!”

Husband: “No! It still hurts! It wasn’t gas!”

Doctor: “Okay, then. I guess I’ll continue my examination.” *winks at me*

(I sit there giggling and giving my husband sarcastic looks as he tries to claim that he is actually in pain and not just trying to get out of taking care of his newborn. Finally, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health and prescribes him some Tums for his “tummy troubles.” He pouts the whole car ride home.)

Me: “Proves you right for trying to pull one over on me.”

Husband: “I wasn’t! It really hurt!”

Me: “Babe… You had gas… Even our two-week-old baby doesn’t cry over that.”

Husband: “Whatever.” *continues pouting*

Me: “That was 100% worth the $15 co-pay. By the way, you’re definitely on diaper duty for the next 48 hours for pulling this little stunt.”

Husband: “Ughhhhhh.”

Me: “Uh oh! Better turn the car around! Sounds like someone has gas again!”

(I laughed the whole car ride home.)

Already Failed The Test

| Nottingham, England, UK | Right | August 13, 2016

(Whilst waiting to be seen at the eye clinic, the optometrist comes over to a couple in front of us.)

Optometrist: “We need a new retinal scan of your husband’s eyes, Mrs. [Name]. Could you please take this form to room 19 and see the technician who will do the test there.”

(Mrs. [Name] gets up and gathers her things together and starts out of the door.)

Optometrist: “Mrs. [Name]! You need to take your husband with you.”

Mrs. [Name]: “Why? Will he need to be there when they do the test?”

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