Not Feeling In-Sink With This Girl

, , , , , | Friendly | March 2, 2020

(In college, I share an apartment with a roommate who is dating a certain girl. One day, when I finish up in the bathroom and flush the toilet, I open the door to find her standing there, staring at the door.)

Girl: “Did you wash your hands? I didn’t hear you wash your hands.”

Me: “No… because the sink is out here.”

(I turned to look at the sink that she was standing right next to, which is outside of the toilet in our particular apartment layout. I then moved over to wash my hands, while she glared at me a bit and then turned around with a huff to storm off and complain to her boyfriend about me “mocking” her. I wasn’t then, but I certainly am now. That was just one example of her brand of crazy, and I was very glad when my roommate wised up and dumped her.)

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So, Was The Boyfriend Flirting With The Bird, Then?

, , , , | Romantic | February 29, 2020

I inherit an African Grey from my grandfather when he dies. Like all parrots, he is very smart and had picked up lots of words and phrases over time, but my grandpa always made sure they were polite words only and would tell anyone off for swearing around him or making rude sounds. Fast forward a couple of years. I take a weekend trip and ask my boyfriend to take care of him while I am away. When I get back, my boyfriend picks me up and brings me back home.

Me:
“[Parrot]! Where’s my boy? Hello, sweet bird!”

The parrot makes a long, drawn-out wolf whistle.

Parrot:
“Hello, sweet bird!”

He has never wolf-whistled before. I slowly turn to my boyfriend.

Me:
“Why did my parrot just hit on me?”

Boyfriend:
*Looking very sheepish* “Because he has more game than I ever will?”

It’s been a week. My bird now loves to wolf whistle.

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Moms Know How To Play It Cool

, , , , | Related | February 29, 2020

When my brother was in high school, his best friend couldn’t have matches or a lighter in his hands without using them on anything at hand. He always made sure he had either one with him to experiment with when he was bored.

His sixteenth birthday party took place in a wooden shed (!) and my mother denied my brother permission to go. Some serious rows, tantrums, and name-calling followed, but my mother put her foot down. When asked for a reason, she told him that for sure the fire brigade would be involved and she wanted him to be safe and well. Being sixteen, my brother didn’t see the danger and my mother was wise enough to make sure he was otherwise occupied the day of the party.

The day after the party, a school day, my brother came home to tell us that the shed had burned down, and he asked my mother how she knew that would happen. He never admitted it, but in the end, he was glad he wasn’t there for the fireworks.

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With Friends Like These… You Might Literally Die

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 29, 2020

Years ago, my wife had to have major surgery, and afterward, she got a MRSA infection. I couldn’t take any more time off work, so one of our friends said she could come up and help. We paid for her plane ticket and everything while she was up with the idea that she was supposed to help my wife with her medical needs while I was at work. Here are some of the things that happened:

1: Almost every night when I came home from work, the lady would be sitting on the couch. I would ask if my wife had eaten all day and taken her meds and do her infusion of antibiotics. Every night, I was met with the same answer: “Oh, I forgot,” or “Oh, I haven’t done it yet.” It was supposed to have been done hours before.

2: When I was home at the house, she would dominate my time. I would be trying to help my wife bathe or use the commode or dealing with her antibiotics and other meds, and our friend would interrupt. “I can’t get the TV to work.” “When are you making dinner?” “The dog is acting like she needs to go outside.” All the while she was sitting on her butt not doing anything.  

3: The last day, when I told her she was leaving, I came home and I found her sitting in the dark with the TV on super loud. I went to check on my wife to find out she was crying in pain because she’d had no meds since I’d left. In addition, she had peed herself and the bed because she couldn’t get up fast enough and couldn’t get the friend to come help her because the friend was on the phone.  

After I cared for my wife, I got livid. I turned off the TV and took away the remote and told her to pack her things. I was going to arrange for her to fly home that night. She actually had the nerve to get mad at me; she said that I wasn’t being a good host and that she had come up for a nice visit only to be ignored by me and my wife. I couldn’t even come up with a response to that one, just stood with my mouth open. After I got her out of there and got someone different to care for my wife during the day, things went much better and my wife recovered.

A few years later, my wife had to have another surgery. And this lady found out and called us and asked me if I wanted her to come up and help my wife again like she did the time before. I simply told her that her type of help almost killed my wife last time and I didn’t think we’d be needing her this time, and I hung up.  

I don’t even understand the type of “friend” who thinks this is an okay situation.

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Door-To-Door Book Salesmen Still Exist?!

, , , , , | Working | February 28, 2020

A young man is at my home, selling educational books door to door. He started his spiel even after I told him I wasn’t interested.

Me:
“My children are all adults, I have no grandchildren, and I know of no neighbors with school-age children. If we need information, we’ll use our computers or smartphones. By the way, your set includes a dictionary, right?”

Salesman:
“Yes, do you need one?”

I point to my sign above the doorbell.

Me:
“No, I want you to use it to look up what this means. Goodbye.”

And I shut the door.

A couple of days later, my next-door neighbor and I are talking.

Neighbor:
“Did that fellow who was selling books stop at your house the other day?”

Me:
“Yes, he appeared to be going to all the houses on the street.”

Neighbor:
“I thought he did. He told me all my neighbors he’d met so far were really nice, except that lady next door who was rude. And I said, ‘Oh, like this?’ and shut the door in his face.”

I guess he hadn’t looked up what “No Soliciting” meant, or he didn’t care.

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