You Get One Or The Other

, , , , , | Related | November 19, 2019

(I was assigned female at birth but am experimenting with gender presentation. I am currently trying to tie a tie as part of a formal business outfit. This is taking a while, as I keep messing it up. My mother sees me.)

Mum: “Don’t wear a tie. The older ladies will think you’re wearing a costume.”

Me: “I never thought of it that way. Should I wear a necklace, instead?”

Mum: “That would be perfect.”

(I ended up going to the meeting wearing a very pretty necklace, a chest binder, and a sock packer.)

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We Should Totally Just Stab Caesar! (Salad)

, , , , , , | Related | November 18, 2019

(My grandmother is incredibly stubborn and refuses to listen. She is also in serious debt because she has proven time and again that she cannot handle her money. She had to move in with us because she ended up filing for bankruptcy. Money is also tight for us at the moment, so we rarely splurge on things like eating out. This happens at dinner one night.)

Grandma: “You know what I want for dinner sometime? I want you to go to [Italian Restaurant] and get a big thing of their salad and bring it home.”

Me: “Just the salad?”

Grandma: “Yes.”

Me: “And what would the rest of dinner be?”

Grandma: “What’s wrong with salad?”

Me: “Nothing, it just doesn’t fill me up.”

Mom: “I can buy a Caesar salad kit and some [Italian Restaurant] dressing at the store for you when I go shopping. Actually, I might have some here.” *gets up to look*

Grandma: “No, I want the salad from [Italian Restaurant]!”

Dad: “Mom, [Italian Restaurant] is all the way on the other side of town. We are nowhere near [Italian Restaurant].”

Grandma: “How far away is it?”

Dad: “Half an hour to forty-five minutes, depending on the time of day and how you hit the lights.”

Grandma: “No, it’s not.”

Dad: “Yes, it is! A lot has changed since you left the area twenty years ago! Besides, [Italian Restaurant] is really expensive and there’s nothing worth getting there.”

(My dad only says this because he hates Italian food.)

Mom: *returning with dressing* “Look, [Grandma], I have the dressing. I will buy a Caesar salad for you and you can put this on.”

Grandma: “No. I want a salad from [Italian Restaurant]. I’ll pay for it myself.”

Dad: “With what money?”

Grandma: “My money.”

Dad: “You don’t have any money!”

Me: “If you really want to go to an Italian restaurant, we can go to [Local Independent Italian Restaurant]. It’s just as good as [Italian Restaurant], but it’s only ten minutes away.”

Grandma: “No! I want salad from [Italian Restaurant]! It’s the best!”

(My parents told her no several more times. She ended up pouting in her room the rest of the night and all of the next day.)

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It’s Better Than Pooty Pie

, , , , , | Related Romantic | November 18, 2019

(I just started dating a woman who still lives with her family. The first time I come over to her house, I notice my phone number pinned to her bedroom wall, surrounded by hearts and the words “bitsy pookums.”)

Me: “Um…”

Girlfriend: “My sister thinks she’s so funny.”

(I married her anyway. And yes, I did catch the “Calvin and Hobbes” reference.)

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Why Do Men Balk At The Thought Of Blood?

, , , , | Related | November 17, 2019

(My family is religious and typically goes to church every Sunday morning. This morning, I’ve been hit with some period cramps that hurt enough to make me opt out in favor of curling up with a heating blanket. While they’re gone, I realize that I’m running low on supplies, so I text my mother, asking if she can stop at the store to pick me up some more pads on the way home. She doesn’t respond for a while and I’m not sure if the message has even been delivered, even though I’m pretty sure the service is over by now. I text my dad with the same question and tell him that I tried to contact Mom but she hasn’t responded. When my family comes home, my mother bears the coveted supplies.)

Me: “Thank you!”

Mom: “You’re welcome. Sorry I didn’t see your text.”

Me: “It’s okay. What did Dad say when I sent the text to him?”

Mom: “He saw it and then just kind of shoved his phone at me and said, ‘Nope, you deal with this.’”

(I sometimes wonder how he’s survived this long with a wife and a menstruating daughter.)

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Wisdom Is Sometimes Blessed Upon The Young

, , , , , , | Related | November 16, 2019

When I’m fifteen, I have all four wisdom teeth out at once. I don’t see much point in whining or complaining about the pain, so I just set timers for when I can take my next dosage of pain meds — five total over-the-counter pills every six hours, plus an antibiotic three times a day — and distract myself with Disney movies and a Pokémon marathon.

The morning after the procedure, I’m drinking a smoothie and reading on my phone. My parents are having their own breakfast.

My mother turns to my father and says, “If you were in her place right now, you’d be bawling.”

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