28 Relaxed Days Later

, , , , , | Related | March 10, 2020

I am set to go to Thailand in the spring flying on Korean Air. I book the tickets before the virus is a huge international thing and it is mostly contained within China. As the situation evolves, I keep an eye on it to make sure it won’t impact my travel plans. I am planning on staying with some friends who teach English outside of Bangkok.

Less than a month before I fly out, I get a message saying I need to rebook on a different airline or cancel, because the school has issued a travel ban on at-risk countries, including Korea. They forward me the emails, which say that if I come on Korean Air, I will have to have a 14-day self-quarantine and my friends will, as well. I could try and rebook on a Middle Eastern airline, but I decide against it and make the hard decision to postpone the trip until next fall or next spring and hope I can get a refund on my tickets. The day after I get this news, my uncle comes over. I explain my situation to him. He drops this gem.

Uncle: “That’s rough. Although, you could go and get a 28-day vacation out of it.”

Me: “What?”

Uncle: “Yeah. You do the 14-day quarantine in Thailand, then come home and do another 14-day quarantine in the States, and you get a 28-day vacation. Granted, you would be all alone, but you wouldn’t have to go to work.”

I appreciated his effort to cheer me up, but it did not work.

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S***ler

, , , , , | Related | March 9, 2020

I am playing the board game “Secret Hitler” with my wife and friends. It’s similar to “Werewolf,” in that you are assigned a role and have to keep it secret whether you are a good guy or a bad guy. The point of the game is to try to kill Hitler or get Hitler elected, and nobody is supposed to let on who their assigned role is.

It’s our first time playing this game. I have been dealt the card for Hitler, and my wife is reading out the instructions.

“Everybody close your eyes. Hitler and the fascist should open their eyes and acknowledge each other.”

We do so, and then there is a long pause while the other fascist and I wait for the next instruction. It takes a while to come and I get impatient. 

“And then we close our eyes again?” 

A disbelieving silence comes from the rest of the table, and then I speak again.

“S***.”

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No, No… She’s Got A Point

, , , , | Romantic | March 8, 2020

(My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch while he’s playing video games. I have just finished a can of Coke.)

Me: “Man, I love Coke.”

Boyfriend: “We have to talk about your drug problem.”

Me: *not listening* “You know, I think if you and a can of Coke were drowning, I’d have to save the can of coke.”

Boyfriend: “What?!”

Me: “I know, but imagine how cold it would be coming out of the water!”

(My boyfriend went back to playing video games.)

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Sometimes Family Can Drive You To Drink

, , , , , | Related | March 8, 2020

(I have been my mother’s caregiver for about eleven years. We have no car right now.)

Me: “Mom, please let me fix you something to eat. I’ve offered you everything we have in the house.”

Mom: “No. I don’t want any of that stuff.”

Me: “All of it is stuff you have eaten before. I’m not offering you anything you don’t like.”

Mom: “But I don’t want it. I want something different.”

Me: “I know that, normally, I would just go get you something, but you know we don’t have a car right now.”

Mom: “I am going to call your sister and tell her to bring me something to eat.”

Me: “Mom! You know that she doesn’t drive! Why would you want to bother her when you could just let me fix you something? Mom, please be reasonable. Just let me fix you something.”

Mom: “She has friends who drive. They won’t mind bringing me something I want.”

(Mom called my sister, told her she was hungry, and asked her to bring her something good. Not long after, my sister showed up. She stalked in and handed Mom a plate of food. She did not look at me or even speak to me to find out why Mom had called her. Then, she stalked back out. Shortly thereafter, there was a post on Facebook about someone who was so lazy that she would not even fix her mother something to eat. I was very hurt by the assumption that was made and publicly broadcast.)

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[Insert Whip Noise Here]

, , , , , , | Related | March 7, 2020

My dad remarried right before I started high school. Before long, my siblings and I came to the conclusion that he loved his new wife more than he did us. This incident cemented that belief for me.

I’d been arguing a lot with both my dad and my stepmother recently. Dad usually sided with my stepmother, but every once in a while he’d take my side. Then, one night, he came into my room to speak to me. Apparently, [Stepmother] didn’t like him not taking her side, so he’d decided that from now on, he was always going to outwardly take her side, even if he secretly agreed with me.

Feeling the love, Dad. Feeling the love.

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