Jehovah’s Witless, Part 17

, , , | Friendly | October 30, 2019

(We used to get Jehovah’s Witnesses to our door. After this interaction, they stopped visiting us.)

Jehovah’s Witness: “Hi. Do you believe in Jesus, and did you know he died for your sins, too?”

Me: “He did? Well, then I really must commit a few more sins; otherwise, he might have died in vain.”

Jehovah’s Witless, Part 16
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 15
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 14

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Pets Are Smart Enough To Not Worry About This

, , , , | Friendly | October 30, 2019

(My friend and I are talking. I’m overly fond of plays on words. She mentions a popular chain pet supply store.)

Friend: “Is Petsmart ‘Pet Smart’ or ‘Pets Mart’?”

Me: *thinks for a moment* “If you are pet smart while looking for a pets mart you’ll go to Petsmart.”

Friend: “Wow.”

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Honey, I’m Home!

, , , , , | Related | October 29, 2019

(It is 1996 and I am ten years old. My friend and I are hanging out in my room. My dad has been gone for a long weekend with his friends on a trip riding dirt bikes. My dad gets home Monday evening and parks our motorhome in the driveway without any of us realizing he is home. He also manages to come inside without anyone hearing him. Getting to the kitchen where my mom is, he realizes that she still has not noticed his arrival. He walks up behind her and leans his head over her shoulder. Very quietly, my dad whispers one word into her ear.)

Dad: *quietly* “Boo.”

(My friend and I were able to hear my mom’s scream through the kitchen door and up the stairs.)

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Friends By Blood

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 29, 2019

(I am visiting a friend and her family and we are having a nice dinner party. Since a couple of guests are late, the front door is unlocked. We look towards the door when we hear someone sprinting up the steps and a young man rushes in, covered in blood.)

Bloody Guy: *somewhat panicked* “[Friend]! I need… I need plastic wrap! A lot of it!”

(The room is quiet for a few moments.)

Friend: *snaps out of it* “Is someone hurt? I think I have a first aid kit.”

Bloody Guy: “No, no one needs a first aid kit. Just plastic wrap, and maybe if you have a big cooler?”

(My friend goes to check for the requested items. Bloody Guy stands there, still kind of breathing heavily.)

Other Guest: “What the f*** is going on?”

Bloody Guy: *blinks, and then suddenly has a moment of obvious realization* “Oh. S***. This looks real bad, huh?”

Other Guest: “Uh, yeah.”

(The bloody guy starts laughing and shouts outside for his girlfriend to come in. She’s also covered in blood, but smiling awkwardly.)

Bloody Girl: “Uh, hi?”

Bloody Guy: *grins* “Hey, babe, tell ’em what happened tonight.”

Bloody Girl: *excitable* “I got in a car accident! With a deer. It’s in my trunk. Wanna see?”

([Friend] comes back with plastic wrap and everyone goes outside; yep, that’s a dead, gutted deer in the trunk, and a screwed-up car. They needed plastic wrap to prevent more blood from getting on the carpeting of the trunk.)

Bloody Guy: *laughing* “I think they thought I killed somebody!”

(It turned out that [Bloody Guy] was a local legend who also happens to be [Friend]’s brother. He was notorious for making local legislation consider making a law to prohibit people from riding livestock on the road in the downtown/shopping district.)

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Can Never Be Too Early

, , , , | Friendly | October 28, 2019

(Saturday evening, my friends and I get together over a chat service to watch a movie. While we’re waiting for everyone to get online, we start chatting about my recent job hunt.)

Me: “[Fiance] was nice enough to wake me up at eight this morning for my interview.”

Friend: “Aww, that’s so sweet. How’d it go?”

Me: “I don’t know. My interview is on Monday.”

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