(It is late at night and I am trying to finish a project for work. My husband is “keeping me company” by playing a video game nearby. The last step is to put a label on the package. The labels are in a clear plastic bag, which I struggle to open, before giving up.)

Me: “Honey, can you open this for me?”

(My husband takes the bag, easily pops it open, and returns to his game. I finish my task.)

Me: “Honey, do you love me even though I’m not smarter than a plastic bag?”

Husband: “Darling, I love you because you are not smarter than a plastic bag.”

(I’m sitting on the couch with my fiancé and we’re flipping through Netflix trying to find something to watch.)

Me: “Would you just pick something already?!”

Fiancé: “Like what? What are you in the mood for?”

Me: “Something funny.”

Fiancé: “How about Big Trouble in Little China?”

Me: “Good movie, but no thanks.”

(Suddenly, he stands up.)

Fiancé: “This just isn’t going to work.”

(My fiancé collects his belongings, puts on his shoes, and walks out the door. As I sit there in shock and mouth agape, he comes back in the house.)

Fiancé: “Just kidding hun! Haha! Good commitment though, huh?”

Me: “You’ll be sleeping on the couch. There’s Big Trouble in Little San Marcos tonight!”

Me: “Joe?”

Fiancé: *no response*

Me: “Hey, Joe!”

Fiancé: *nothing*

Me: “Joseph!”

Fiancé: *no response*

Me: “Dumba**!”

Fiancé: *no response*

Me: *yelling at ear-splitting volume* “I will slap your mother with a fish, murder your puppy, and leave you in the forest to die with Cujo and the Littlest Hobo!”

Fiancé: *still no response*

Me: *muttering as I walk away* “…a**hole.”

Fiancé: “Did you just say something?”

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(My mom comes in from the back porch where she and my dad are relaxing after dinner. He comes in shortly after her.)

Mom: “I can’t believe your father. Just cannot believe him!”

Me: “Why? What’d you do, Dad?”

Dad: “I just told her that she’s the love of my life!”

Mom: “Yeah, that’s not ALL you said. Tell her why I’m the love of your life.”

Dad: “I don’t think that’s really appro–”

Mom: “Tell her!”

Dad: “…because she’s the only woman I had a chance at.”

(I’m sitting outside, relaxing in the sun with my youngest daughter, when my sweet husband comes out the front door to talk to me. He looks down at us and pauses before going back inside.)

Husband: “You know honey, the way you’re sitting there with the sun shining on your hair, I just realized…”

(I smile at him affectionately, anticipating the compliment he is about to pay me.)

Husband: “You’re getting really gray-headed, old woman!”