(I’m visiting my uncle’s house. His 15-year-old daughter is gabbing away on the phone. This apparently happens every evening. She finally finishes up.)

Uncle: “You spend a lot of time on that phone, sweetie. Do you consider it a job or a hobby?”

Cousin: “Neither, Dad. It’s a calling.”

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(I talk in my sleep a lot, and sometimes I can even carry conversations with people while I’m sleeping. My fiancé starts talking to me without realizing I’m asleep.)

Fiancé: “Honey, I love you.”

Me: “No.”

Fiancé: “No?!”

Me: “No!”

Fiancé: “Why not?”

Me: “Because your shoelaces are tied!”

(I wake up to his hysterical laughter.)

(This happens when I am a know-it-all eight year old.)

Dad: “Hey!”

(He says something I can’t make out.)

Me: “What did you say, Daddy?”

Dad: “Jeez, what are you, deef?”

Me: “It’s pronounced deaf, Daddy.”

Dad: “Oh, really? Then why don’t you go outside and rake some leffs?”

(Many years later, my father can still send my mother into convulsing laughter by telling me to ‘go rake some leffs’ when I’m sassy.)

Dad: “I don’t understand why you’re having so much trouble in college inorganic chemistry. When I took that class, I just read from my notes, never cracked a book, and aced the course.”

Me: “Dad, when you went to school, there were only 4 elements. Earth, air, fire, and water!”

(I am a high school senior talking to my father about college applications. It’s February, so decisions are just starting to come in.)

Dad: “My friends are all so excited about your college applications. They keep asking me to post things on Facebook so they know where you get in.”

Me: “Oh, that’s nice—”

Dad: “These are the same friends who went to MIT, Princeton, Yale…”

Me: “Greaaaaat.”