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Too Many Cooks Spoil The Love

| Romantic | January 18, 2012

(My family is over at my house for Christmas. My cousin and his girlfriend have just got engaged. For Christmas, they get a slow cooker.)

Cousin: “You mean I can put dinner in before I leave for work, and it’ll be ready when I’m home?”

Aunt: “Yeah, you can put it on a timer.”

Cousin: “It’ll be just like having another [fiancée’s name]!”

Cousin’s fiancée: *death glare*

Just Be Square With Dad

| Related | January 18, 2012

(My dad is playing the zombie survival horror game ‘Dead Island’ for the first time.)

Me: “Your character just woke up in his hotel room. Okay, open that door with the square button.”

(My dad continues wandering around his hotel room.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Dad: “Looking for a weapon.”

Me: “You just woke up!”

Dad: “I want a weapon!”

Me: “Your character doesn’t even know what is going on yet!”

Dad: “Can that picture frame be a weapon?”

Me: “No! Go out the door!”

Dad: “How?!”

Me: *shouting* “Square!”

(Dad hits circle, the character jumps.)

Me: “Square!”

Dad: “Oh.” *mashes square*

Me: *shouting louder* “Stand in front of the door and hit square!”

Dad: “Oh.”

(The character checks his bag with square.)

Me: “Oh, forget it.”

(A little while later. My Dad’s character has been able to step outside and is talking to other characters.)

Character: “I need help finding my wife. Can you help?”

Dad’s character: “Yes, sure.”

Character: “I need to find pain killers and bandages. Can you help?”

Dad’s character: “Yeah, of course.”

Character: “We need flares. Can you find some?”

Dad’s character: “Yeah, why not!”

Me: “Why are you saying yes to so many quests? Just do one at a time!”

Dad: “Oh. That’s what I’m supposed to do?!”

Me: “Yes! What did you think? You just walk up to them, say yes, and then walk away?”

Dad: “Yes.”

Me: “Just say no to this next one.”

Character: “Please! I need help finding my daughter! She’s probably out there dying!”

Dad’s character: “No.”

Character: *screaming* “Oh, God! You’re making a mistake!” *hysterically sobs*

Dad: “Nice job, look what you made me do!”

Honesty Is In The Cards

| Related | January 18, 2012

(It’s my 35th birthday, and I get a card from my mom. It’s a nice-looking card with a check inside. However, it also includes a handwritten note.)

Note: “I don’t know why I’m sending you money for your birthday. I should have been paid for having you!”

Best To Just Table This Discussion

| Romantic | January 17, 2012

(I text my boyfriend to tell him about the tiny table I have replaced my desk with.)

Me: “My table is so cute!”

Him: “Lol. Which one?”

Me: “My little kitchen-y table. It’s so little and cute, and it comes with chairs!”

Him: “That’s why I like you!”

Me: “I’m cute, and I come with chairs?”

Him: “Exactly.”

Pasta Her Prime

| Related | January 17, 2012

Mom: “Can you get the lasagne out of the oven?”

(I do so, and see that it is penne covered in cheese.)

Me: “This isn’t lasagne. It’s penne.”

Mom: “Oh, any pasta baked in the oven is called lasagne!”