(My family is over at my house for Christmas. My cousin and his girlfriend have just got engaged. For Christmas, they get a slow cooker.)
Cousin: “You mean I can put dinner in before I leave for work, and it’ll be ready when I’m home?”
Aunt: “Yeah, you can put it on a timer.”
Cousin: “It’ll be just like having another [fiancée’s name]!”
Cousin’s fiancée: *death glare*
(My dad is playing the zombie survival horror game ‘Dead Island’ for the first time.)
Me: “Your character just woke up in his hotel room. Okay, open that door with the square button.”
(My dad continues wandering around his hotel room.)
Me: “What are you doing?”
Dad: “Looking for a weapon.”
Me: “You just woke up!”
Dad: “I want a weapon!”
Me: “Your character doesn’t even know what is going on yet!”
Dad: “Can that picture frame be a weapon?”
Me: “No! Go out the door!”
Dad: “How?!”
Me: *shouting* “Square!”
(Dad hits circle, the character jumps.)
Me: “Square!”
Dad: “Oh.” *mashes square*
Me: *shouting louder* “Stand in front of the door and hit square!”
Dad: “Oh.”
(The character checks his bag with square.)
Me: “Oh, forget it.”
(A little while later. My Dad’s character has been able to step outside and is talking to other characters.)
Character: “I need help finding my wife. Can you help?”
Dad’s character: “Yes, sure.”
Character: “I need to find pain killers and bandages. Can you help?”
Dad’s character: “Yeah, of course.”
Character: “We need flares. Can you find some?”
Dad’s character: “Yeah, why not!”
Me: “Why are you saying yes to so many quests? Just do one at a time!”
Dad: “Oh. That’s what I’m supposed to do?!”
Me: “Yes! What did you think? You just walk up to them, say yes, and then walk away?”
Dad: “Yes.”
Me: “Just say no to this next one.”
Character: “Please! I need help finding my daughter! She’s probably out there dying!”
Dad’s character: “No.”
Character: *screaming* “Oh, God! You’re making a mistake!” *hysterically sobs*
Dad: “Nice job, look what you made me do!”
(It’s my 35th birthday, and I get a card from my mom. It’s a nice-looking card with a check inside. However, it also includes a handwritten note.)
Note: “I don’t know why I’m sending you money for your birthday. I should have been paid for having you!”
(I text my boyfriend to tell him about the tiny table I have replaced my desk with.)
Me: “My table is so cute!”
Him: “Lol. Which one?”
Me: “My little kitchen-y table. It’s so little and cute, and it comes with chairs!”
Him: “That’s why I like you!”
Me: “I’m cute, and I come with chairs?”
Him: “Exactly.”
Mom: “Can you get the lasagne out of the oven?”
(I do so, and see that it is penne covered in cheese.)
Me: “This isn’t lasagne. It’s penne.”
Mom: “Oh, any pasta baked in the oven is called lasagne!”
