(I am female. My girlfriend rubs my leg lovingly.)

Girlfriend: “Your legs are like velvet.”

Me: “Aw, thanks!”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, if you rub it one way it’s all soft, but the other way it’s rough.”

(I am getting changed to go for a run, in preparation for a trip to Australia.)

Me: “See, this is why I have to go running. I was wearing these shorts last summer and now I can’t even get them over my thighs, let alone do up the button!”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, but they were ridiculously tight anyway.”

(I just stare at him.)

Boyfriend: “What, no! You’re putting horrible words in my mouth! I never said that!”

(I continue to stare.)

Boyfriend: “I…uh…” *runs out of the room panicking*

Husband: *tries to give me a hug* “We fit together perfectly. We’re like two Lego’s.”

Me: *pushing him away* “I’m tired. What do you want?”

Husband: “Never mind. You must be one of those off-brand Lego’s.”

(I am talking with my boyfriend about the special occasion wine I got him for his birthday.)

Boyfriend: “One of these winter nights we’ll sit in front of the fireplace upstairs. Just the two of us.”

Me: “Aww!”

Boyfriend: “With this wine.”

Me: “And some treats?”

Boyfriend: “And some treats, and some music. *kisses me*

Me: “Aww!”

(He farts.)

Me: “Uugh!”

Boyfriend: “What? I can’t have you overflowing with romantic stuff! I had to bring you down a notch, for safety!”

(I am about to meet my boyfriend’s parents for the first time. I am talking to him about it.)

Me: “I’m so nervous!”

Boyfriend: “You have nothing to be nervous about. Don’t worry.”

Me: “What have you told them about me?”

Boyfriend: “Uh…nothing, really.”

Me: “Nothing?”

Boyfriend: “I told them you’re short.”