(My brother turned 18 a few months ago and moved out. Mom, dad, my seven-year-old sister and I go to visit him. His home is a mess.)

Dad: “This is a mess. Come on, straighten up. You want to be a big grown up man, then get straight.”

Seven year old sister: *whispering to me* “Does daddy think he turned gay because he’s messy?”

(My family is going home after visiting my grandparents. My grandparents have a lot of cars. We have a bit of trouble getting into our car because the driveway is crowded.)

Dad: “They have two Jeeps. Is that truck a Ford?”

Mom: “Yup.”

Dad: “What about the other one?”

Mom: “I think it’s a Ford, too.”

Dad: “And their other car is a Chevrolet.”

Mom: “Don’t forget about their trailer. It’s a Chevrolet, too.”

Dad: “Oh my God, they’re building an ark.”

(My 11-year-old brother is doing a report on the middle ages for school.)

Brother: “Mom, what’s hearsay?”

Mom: “It’s like gossip, or word of mouth.”

Me: “Heresy! He means heresy!”

Mom: “What context was it in?”

Brother: “Well, this guy was found guilty of hearsay and burned at the stake.”

(My boyfriend and I are laying in bed, cuddling.)

Me: *whispers romantically* “You’re cute. And funny. And smart, and perfect, and I
love you.”

Boyfriend: *speaks loudly* “You whisper too much. But I guess I love you anyway.”

(My boyfriend has just come back from the bar, and is a bit tipsy. He snuggles up to me in bed.)

Boyfriend: “Mmm, your hair smells good.”

Me: “Thanks, hun.”

Boyfriend: “It makes me want to eat you.”

Me: “But, then I wouldn’t be here with you anymore.”

Boyfriend: “No, you would always be with me, forever, because I ate you!”