(I’m babysitting my 2 1/2 year old niece, and decide to let her watch TV for half an hour. Peppa Pig is a British cartoon for toddlers.)
Me: “Okay, let’s watch some TV! What will we watch?”
Niece: “You pick!”
Me: “Okay, let’s watch Peppa Pig!”
Niece: *sighs, and looks at me like I’m an idiot* “Don’t be silly. That’s for BABIES!”
(My nephew has just learned that some people are girls and some are boys. My sister, my mom and I are sitting down and talking with him. He is just a toddler.)
Sister: *to son* “Is mommy a boy or a girl?”
Nephew: “Girl!”
Sister: “Is daddy a boy or a girl?”
Nephew: “Boy!”
Sister: “Are you a boy or a girl?”
Nephew: “Boy!”
Sister: “Is Auntie a boy or girl?”
Nephew: “Girl!”
Sister: “Is Grandma a boy or a girl?”
(He looks confused for a second. He goes over, pulls the neck of my mom’s shirt out and looks down it.)
Nephew: *proudly* “Girl!”
(My fiancé and I are sitting in the living room. We originally met on a ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ message board. We are at the end of a ‘If I turned into a _____, would you kill me?’ conversation.)
Fiancé: “Okay, fine. What if I was a vampire? Would you kill me?”
Me: *wryly* “Okay, are we talking Forever Knight vampire, Buffy the Vampire Slayer vampire, or…” *makes a face* “Twilight vampire?”
Fiancé: *frowns* “…or? It sounded like you were going to give me a third choice. And why are you making that face?”
Me: “I did give you a third choice. I said…” *makes another face* “Twilight”.
Fiancé: *sighs* “You did it again. You just stopped, made a face and trailed off.”
Me: “No, I said the same thing twice.”
Fiancé: “What was it?”
Me: “Twilight. As in Twilight Princess.”
Fiancé: *laughs* “Oh! I only heard it in the Zelda context. I mentally block it out on its own now. To me it does not exist. And so you still only gave me two choices. Buffy vampire.”
Me: “I really love you. And yes. Yes, I would kill you.”
(My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch together while a friend of ours is in the kitchen. My boyfriend gets up to go in the kitchen as well, and I stop him for a second.)
Me: “Hon, I want a pudding cup. Could you get me one, please?”
(I give him a pouty face.)
Boyfriend: “Psssh, you’ve never made me a sandwich! Why should I get you a pudding, huh?”
Me: “Hey, wait. I have so made you a sandwich!”
Friend: *from kitchen* “Yeah, but you never got around to making mine!”
(We all laugh, and a few moments later my boyfriend drops a pudding cup in my lap and sits back down.)
Boyfriend: “Here’s your stupid pudding, I hope you choke on it.”
(I eat it and lean on him after finishing, to whisper in his ear.)
Me: “I didn’t choke on my pudding. Sorry.”
Boyfriend: “It’s okay, there’s always next time.”
(My four year old cousin says hilarious things. She meets our grandma’s friend Gertrude, and my sister and I take her over to say hi.)
Gertrude: *in her heavy German accent* “Hello there, little one. What is your name?”
Cousin: *very loudly and slowly* “I… LIVE… IN… CANADA!”
