(A girl I am seeing suddenly breaks off contact with me without a discernible reason. My mom finds out.)

Mom: “If there’s anything I can do to help you get girls, let me know. I am a girl after all, I know what girls like. For one thing, girls don’t like guys with long hair, it doesn’t look good.”

Me: *speechless*

Mom: “Also, you should put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. You’d get a lot more girls if you just weren’t so unattractive and inconsiderate!”

(We’re sitting in one of the study rooms, drinking tea and watching the garden. We start discussing how to best feed the birds. Note that we own a free-range cat.)

Sister: “We ought to put up a birdhouse.”

Mother: “Too much work. Can’t we just put the seeds on the ground? It’s stone, and doesn’t get wetter than a birdhouse.”

Me: “We can’t. Think of the cat!”

Mother: “Why? The cat won’t eat the birdseed.”

*awkward silence*

(To her credit, my mother got it a couple of seconds later.)

(My boyfriend, mom, sister and I are having dinner outside during summer.)

Me: *scratching my chest* “Ouch! I have so many mosquito bites. One just bit my boob!”

Sister: “What boob? You don’t have any.”

Mom: “Hey! Maybe with that bite you can finally fill out that bra and give your boyfriend something to look at!”

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Boyfriend: “You know, you really should shave your legs more often.”

Me: *changing the subject* “Sooo, what’s on TV?”

(I’m lying in bed with the guy I’m dating. He physically picks me up and moves me to the outside of the bed. I usually sleep on the inside by the wall, so I raise my concern.)

Me: “I have to sleep on the outside? What if I fall off the bed?”

Him: “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you don’t fall off.”

Me: “Aw, that’s sweet.”

Him: “Yeah, I’m going to tie you up. Then you won’t be going anywhere.”