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Do The Dishes To Get The Dishiest

| Related | December 23, 2011

(A girl I am seeing suddenly breaks off contact with me without a discernible reason. My mom finds out.)

Mom: “If there’s anything I can do to help you get girls, let me know. I am a girl after all, I know what girls like. For one thing, girls don’t like guys with long hair, it doesn’t look good.”

Me: *speechless*

Mom: “Also, you should put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. You’d get a lot more girls if you just weren’t so unattractive and inconsiderate!”

Mother Needs To Cat(ch) Up

| Related | December 22, 2011

(We’re sitting in one of the study rooms, drinking tea and watching the garden. We start discussing how to best feed the birds. Note that we own a free-range cat.)

Sister: “We ought to put up a birdhouse.”

Mother: “Too much work. Can’t we just put the seeds on the ground? It’s stone, and doesn’t get wetter than a birdhouse.”

Me: “We can’t. Think of the cat!”

Mother: “Why? The cat won’t eat the birdseed.”

*awkward silence*

(To her credit, my mother got it a couple of seconds later.)

Making Mole-Hills Out Of Mosquito Bites

| Related | December 22, 2011

(My boyfriend, mom, sister and I are having dinner outside during summer.)

Me: *scratching my chest* “Ouch! I have so many mosquito bites. One just bit my boob!”

Sister: “What boob? You don’t have any.”

Mom: “Hey! Maybe with that bite you can finally fill out that bra and give your boyfriend something to look at!”

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Not Going To Make It Past The First Leg

| Romantic | December 22, 2011

Boyfriend: “You know, you really should shave your legs more often.”

Me: *changing the subject* “Sooo, what’s on TV?”

Dating Can Tie You Down

| Romantic | December 21, 2011

(I’m lying in bed with the guy I’m dating. He physically picks me up and moves me to the outside of the bed. I usually sleep on the inside by the wall, so I raise my concern.)

Me: “I have to sleep on the outside? What if I fall off the bed?”

Him: “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you don’t fall off.”

Me: “Aw, that’s sweet.”

Him: “Yeah, I’m going to tie you up. Then you won’t be going anywhere.”