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Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 2

| Related | December 29, 2011

(Me and my mom are on the porch, saying goodbye to my brother who is leaving for college.)

Me: “I’m going to miss you. Just don’t make me an aunt!”

Brother: “Don’t make me an uncle!”

(My neighbor has been watching us. He looks shocked.)

Mom: *to neighbor, very proudly* “Yup, they’re my kids.”

Totally Euforic

| Related | December 29, 2011

(I share a bedroom with my sister. We are playing the alphabet game instead of counting sheep.)

Sister: “I’ll go first…Alligator.”

Me: “Banana.”

Sister: “Cookie.”

Me: “Dog.”

Sister: “Euphoria.”

Me: “What does that mean?”

Sister: “Really happy.”

Me: “Oh. What comes after your word?”

Sister: “F.”

Me: “F, huh? Hmm… phone.”

*pause*

Me: “Shut up, I’m tired.”

Mothers Hate Toilet Humor

| Related | December 28, 2011

(My dad purchases a new plunger, and is in the bathroom telling my mom how to use it.)

Dad: *sarcastically* “You know, for the new plunger, you have to pull the handle out before you can use it.”

Mom: “I know how to use a plunger.”

Sister: “Are you sure? You know you’ve got to put it in the toilet, right? And then push.”

Me: “And then pull.”

Sister: “And then push.”

Me: “And then pull.”

Sister: “And then push.”

Me: “And then pull.”

Sister: “And then you’ve got to take it out of the toilet before you sit down.”

(Dad starts cracking up.)

Mom: “I hate all of you.”

Adopting A Sense Of Humor

| Related | December 28, 2011

(My little brother is lamenting how different he is from everyone else in the family.)

Little brother: “Dad, was I adopted?”

Dad: “Yes, but they brought you back.”

One Ring To Forget Them All, And In The Dark Bedroom Remind Them

| Romantic | December 28, 2011

(My fiancée is in the habit of taking off her engagement ring when she does the dishes. She’s also in the habit of forgetting to put it back on. I’m in the kitchen grabbing a drink, and I see the ring on the counter. Once I’m in the bedroom, where she’s studying, I crawl onto the bed with the ring in hand.)

Me: “Will you marry me…again?”

Fiancée: *upset that she forgot the ring* “Oh, crap!”

Me: “Not the answer I was looking for.”