Your Humor Is Limp
Me: *limping* “Baby, my leg really hurts!”
Boyfriend: “Do you need a cane?”
Me: “No! And if I did, I’d hit you with it!”
And That Is How The Cookie Crumbles
(We are over at my parents’ apartment with our 4-year old daughter. My mother wants to let us know she has cookies without my daughter understanding.)
Mom: “By the way, I have some M-A-R-G-H-E-R-I-T-E cookies in the cabinet if you want.”
Daughter: “I WANT COOKIES!”
Mom: “What? How did…oh. Oops.”
Forgotten In The Ink Of An Eye
(My brothers and I live with our grandparents. I have multiple tattoos and nine piercings.)
(July 2011: I walk in the door, and my little brother stares.)
Little brother: “What’s that thing on your face?”
Me: “I got my lip pierced.”
Grandma: “Ugh.”
Me: “Gram, it’s not worse than my tattoos.”
Grandma: “Tattoos?”
(I show her my ankle, forearm and collarbone, which are all tattooed.)
Grandma: “When did you get those?”
Me: “Two years ago, and last month.”
(December 2011:)
Grandma: “When did you get that tattoo on your foot?”
Me: “September. Remember, you couldn’t believe I got my foot tattooed?”
(I move my arm and she gasps.)
Grandma: “When did you get that thing on your arm?”
Me: “June. Remember?”
(March 2012:)
Grandma: “Did I know about that tattoo on your foot?”
Me: “Yes. And the one on my forearm and my ankle and my collarbone.”
Grandma: “Your forearm?”
(May 2012:)
Grandma: “Is that tattoo on your arm new?”
Me: “Nope, but the ones on my wrists are.”
Grandma: “And what about your foot?”
Me: “I’m just going to draw you a map of all my tattoos and add to it every time I get a new one.”
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The Hunger Games
(My girlfriend and I have decided to go on a picnic, but before we leave I decide to be romantic and start kissing her.)
Girlfriend: “Quit it! Let’s go! I’m hungry.”
Me: *kiss* “I’m starving!”
Girlfriend: “Then let’s go eat!”
Me: “I’m too hungry for just food.” *kiss*
Girlfriend: “We’ll bring a lot of food, then.”
Me: *kiss kiss* “I want to eat something else.” *devilish grin*
Girlfriend: “Huh? Like what? A pizza?”
A Sickly Sweet Sandwich
(It’s morning, and my boyfriend texts me asking how I’d slept. I tell him that I woke up in the middle of the night to find my cat sleeping next to me.)
Boyfriend: “Aww! I’m jelly!”
Me: “I’m peanut butter!”
Boyfriend: “Let’s make a sandwich together!”
Me: “But, we need bread!”
Boyfriend: “We’ll make a metaphorical sandwich with love as the bread!”
Me: “That may be the most adorable thing I’ve ever heard you say.”