(I’m babysitting my five-year-old cousin who is telling me about a recent visit from a Jehovah’s Witness.)

Cousin: “Yeah, and she wanted to talk to us about Jesus and stuff!”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Cousin: “Yeah. It makes sense, because I look like a God, and you’re supposed to talk about Jesus at God’s house. Poor Jesus lady. I miss her sometimes.”

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(My boyfriend and my first ex-boyfriend are helping me decorate for my birthday party. We’re all still friends, and I joke around about having dated my ex a lot. My boyfriend is balancing precariously to place a decoration up high.)

Me: “Please, be careful.”

Boyfriend: “Don’t worry. If I fall on my head it’ll do more damage to the floor than me.”

Ex-boyfriend: “Wow, you sure know how to pick ’em.”

Me: “Says the first.”

(My four-year-old daughter is leafing through one of our DVD books, looking for a movie.)

Me: “Why don’t you look in your DVD book for a movie?”

Daughter: “No, I want the one I watched with Daddy, with the…” *makes a motion like firing a gun*

Me: “Gun? Um, okay, what else did it have?”

Daughter: “Humans.”

Me: “Guns and humans…that doesn’t really narrow it down. What else?”

Daughter: “Trees, and blue suits.”

Me: *taking a wild leap of logic* “GI Joe?”

Daughter: “Yes!” *starts singing* “GI Joe, GI Joe, GI Jooooooe!”

(My 3-year-old daughter is reading a book that includes a page with the days of the week. She points to the picture for each day and speaks.)

Daughter: “Onesday, Twosday, Threesday, Foursday, Fivesday, Saturday, Someday!”

(My boyfriend has to get up very early twice a week and sets his cell phone alarms in two minute increments. He has just set his alarm to Yoda’s voice. 5:00 am comes.)

Alarm: “When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good, you will not.” *Yoda laughter*

Boyfriend: *groans*

(We go back to sleep. 2 minutes pass.)

Alarm: “When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good, you will not.” *Yoda laughter*

Me: “Honey, it’s time to get up.”

Boyfriend: “No!”

Alarm: “When nine hundred years—”

Me: *pushing boyfriend out of bed* “Tell Yoda you’re awake already!”