(My kid brother has been in trouble several times today for playing with a loud toy gun while our mom has a headache.)
Dad: “I’ve told you to take the gun outside!”
(My brother starts to go towards room with the gun blaring.)
Dad: “Outside!”
(He drops the gun on the floor where it goes off loudly.)
Dad: “Alright. That’s done. You’re done with it. Give it here. Go play outside.”
(He reluctantly hands over the gun. As dad goes to put the gun up on top of a high shelf, he knocks over a glass of water which shatters loudly.)
Brother: “No more water for you! Go outside!”
(My boyfriend and I are discussing a mutual friend, at which point I mention that I wouldn’t invest in a ‘one-way street’ relationship.)
Boyfriend: “So, that’s all I am to you? A two-way street?”
Me: “Perhaps a tastefully-decorated avenue?”
(My thirteen-year-old daughter has recently started public high school after we have homeschooled her most of her life. She is complaining about her math teacher.)
Daughter: “She’s making me redo the assignment!”
Me: “Why?”
Daughter: “Because I didn’t show my work.”
Husband: “Well, you have to do that. You’re not working on a computer anymore.”
Daughter: “Well, that doesn’t make sense! It’s like asking a drug dealer where and how they got the drugs! You just don’t ask questions!”
(I’ve been a little sick of late, which has had some unpleasant effects. I have just left the bathroom when my boyfriend approaches me, wraps his arms around me and gazes deep into my eyes.)
Boyfriend: “Honey…”
Me: “Yes?”
Boyfriend: “My beloved, my shining light, my precious summer flower…”
Me: “Uh… yes?”
Boyfriend: “Darling. I love you, but I could smell that from downstairs.”
(He hands me the air freshener can he has been holding behind my back.)
Me: “Mom, my foot hurts. Kiss it and make it better.”
(I balance on one foot, and she kisses the top of the one that hurts.)
Mom: “Just don’t hurt your butt. That’s where I draw the line.”
