(Sometimes, when we’re tired, my boyfriend and I slip into baby talk, and it gets weird.)

Me: *trying to scare him* “BOO!”

Boyfriend: “Ah…”

Me: *pouty* “Were you a scared?”

Boyfriend: *in real voice* “A scared? You mean like one scared?”

Me: *still in baby voice* “Yes. I need you to be at least two scareds! How can I scare you?”

Boyfriend: “You’d have to do better than that.”

(I put three fingers up like claws, and grab his face.)

Me: “Rawr! Velociraptor!”

Boyfriend: “Ahh!”

Me: “Were you two scareds?”

Boyfriend: “You attacked me pretending to be a velociraptor, talking in a baby voice. That’s got to be the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced.”

(My grandma lives by herself, and I try to go by to see her as often as possible. I knew that she had gone to see the doctor the day before, but I was not aware that it was anything more than just a check-up.)

Me: “How did your doctor’s appointment go?”

Grandma: “It weren’t no d*** doctor appointment! It was a colonoscopy!”

Me: “Oh… um…”

(Grandma starts coughing.)

Me: “Are you okay?”

Grandma: “Yeah, they just shoved that thing all the way up to my tonsils!”

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(My husband and I enjoy playing an alternate version of Dungeons and Dragons. In this game, a 20-sided die called a d20 is used to determine the outcome of events. Also, characters usually have stats between 7-20 at first level, with 10 being average. We have just been talking about building new characters.)

Me: “Well my sexiness score is like, 30.”

Boyfriend: “That would be charisma, and no, it isn’t.”

Me: “Hey, you know what we should do? We should roll for random encounter sexy times!”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “We could roll a d20 and add my sexiness modifier.”

Boyfriend: “That’s not how random encounters work. We’d need to roll percentage dice.”

Me: “And then we’d need a table of actions! Hey, do you still have that dice-roller app?”

Boyfriend: “Yes…we’re not doing this.”

Me: “Yes we are! I cast ‘charm person’. Now you like me and you have to do it.

(I am 11, and my friend and I have decided we should get our noses pierced for her 12th birthday. We both look old for our age so we’re not worried about getting ID’d but I heard somewhere that it was okay to get a piercing at any age with parental permission, so I decide to ask my parents before going through with it.)

Me: *from the back of the car* “Mum, dad, can I get my nose pierced?”

(They look at each other, but I can’t see their expression from the back seat of the car.)

Mum: “If you really want to…”

Me: “Yay! [Friend’s name] and I are going to both get it done on her birthday tomorrow!”

Mum: “That’s nice.”

(True to our word, we go to the tattoo parlour the next day and get the piercings with no problems. I go home a few days later and they freak out.)

Mum: “Why did you get your nose pierced!”

Dad: “I can’t believe you would do something so irresponsible!”

Me: “B-b-but I asked you first and you said it was okay!”

Mum: “We didn’t think you’d actually go through with it!”

Dad: “Yeah, we thought you would chicken out!”

(We are having a conversation about money, and breadwinners.)

Me: “I am a winner of Pokémon, and you are a winner of bread.”

Boyfriend: “Now I am wondering if Pokémon are edible.”

Me: “Some more than others. Roasted Rattata would be good.”

Boyfriend: “Pidgeotto would be too gamey.”

Me: “Bet you could treat Pidgey like quail, though.”

Boyfriend: “Too bad Charmanders are endangered. They would be amazing!”