(My girlfriend and I are discussing the fact that, at the age of 22, I already seem like a grumpy old man.)
Girlfriend: “Can I exchange you for a newer version of you? Not replace you, just upgrade you. Like you did with Skyrim on your Xbox. It’s still the same you, but now you can attack people while riding a horse.”
(My fiancé has a fluffy beard, which he’s very proud of, as he says it helps him to be philosophical.)
Me: “Stroke your beard. I’m trying to think!”
(He strokes his beard.)
Me: “Ah, that’s better!”
(My dad is, for lack of a kinder term, a techno-idiot. He has finally consented to attempt to learn to use a computer, so my mom gets a laptop for the house.)
Dad: *walks toward me holding the laptop like a dead animal* “How do I turn it off?”
Me: “Go to the start menu and click ‘Shut down’.”
Dad: “I have to go to start to make it end?!”
(The family has been helping my aunt move out after an ugly divorce. Some jewellery and knick-knacks cannot be found, and my grandmother is outraged.)
Grandma: “Make a list! I’m calling the police! We’ll take him for all he’s worth!”
(She calls the police.)
Grandma: *on the phone* “…a heirloom necklace, some rings, diamond and sapphire, oh, and the bag of marijuana. The bag of marijuana was stored in the jewellery box, as well.”
Me: “Grandma! You can’t report that to the police! It’s illegal!”
Grandma: “… hush, dear. It’s only illegal if you smoke it out of a crack pipe! They call that ‘freebasing’, and it’s very bad for you! That’s why we always use cigarette papers. It’s medicinal!”
This story is part of our Gorgeous Grandmas roundup!
Read the next Gorgeous Grandma story!
Read the Gorgeous Grandma roundup!
(My boyfriend is on placement in CERN, the worlds largest particle accelerator. We are having a long conversation on the Higgs Boson.)
Me: “…but the most important question is, and I’m annoyed that no one’s asked this yet, can it be removed from the female body to decrease mass?”
