Spare The Bod, Sell The Husband

| Romantic | October 26, 2011

(I have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, and have just come home from the doctor. I’m in a state of information overload and am talking to my husband about all the surgical options presented (lumpectomy, mastectomy, etc). In all fairness, my husband has been super supportive, but this is not one of his finer moments.)

Me: “I’m not sure what the best option is. It’s a big decision to make.”

Hubby: “Well, honey, whatever you feel right about. If a mastectomy is the best answer for your health, then go for it. You know I’m not a boob guy.”

Me: “Yes, lucky me. But just think babe: after the surgery, I’ll be able to get any kind of boobs I want.”

Hubby: “True. I’m just glad you don’t have butt cheek cancer. I do love your butt. I’d be sad if they had to do a butt-ectomy. Screw the boobs, save the butt!”

Me: “Nice babe, that’s great…”

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Laughter (And Love) Is The Best Medicine

| Romantic | October 23, 2011

(I’ve been an insulin-dependent diabetic for 37 years, and for the first time I am facing the amputation of a toe. It should also be noted that my fiancée and I have gotten into the habit of cuddling just before drifting off to sleep. These cuddle sessions often become our time to discuss serious matters.)

Me: “So, it’s decided. This ulcer isn’t getting better. If anything, it’s getting worse. The tendons are gone inside the toe, which means I’m just waiting to accidentally stub the toe off. This would only mean a bigger mess and a more serious infection. On my next doctor visit, I’ll tell him it needs to come off.”

Fiancée: “It’s okay, baby. I understand…”

(She snuggles closer.)

Fiancée: “…and I’ll still love you if you can only count up to 19.”

(Suffice to say, we both ended our night with a great deal of laughing.)

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Plankton & W.I.F.E., The Early Years

| Romantic | October 21, 2011

(Note that my fiancé has, shall we say, attention problems. This occurs the night before finals week my fourth year in college. My fiancé is cuddling with me while I’m trying to fall asleep.)

Fiancé: *pokes me very frantically*

Me: “Yes, dear?”

Fiancé: *continues poking*

Me: “What, dear?”

Fiancé: *pokes a few more times, than says excitedly* “Do you know what that is?

Me: “What, dear?”

Fiancé: “THAT’S SPONGEBOB!”

(Apparently, he had been poking the rhythm to the Spongebob Squarepants theme song into my arm. Needless to say, it was a very long night.)

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The Frog And I

| Romantic | October 20, 2011

Me: “I like this boy at school. I want to marry him!”

Mom: “That’s nice, but aren’t you a little young? You’re only 15.”

Me: “Well, when I grow up. He’s my Prince Charming! We’re going to live happily ever after. Nothing will change that!”

Mom: “That’s a nice dream.”

Me: “Dream? No, it’s gonna be real! Doesn’t everyone marry their Prince Charming?”

Mom: “Everyone wants to, but you know, real life isn’t always a fairy tale ending. I wanted to marry my Prince Charming when I was younger.”

Me: “Didn’t you?”

Mom: “No, I married your Dad instead.”

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Pass The Trial, Walk Down The Aisle

| Romantic | October 19, 2011

(I answer the phone at home. A female caller answers.)

Me: “Yup?”

Female caller: “Hello! Is this [name]?”

Me: “That’s me.”

Female caller: “Great! I need your help with something?”

Me: “Sure, what is it?”

Female caller: “Will you marry me?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Female caller: “Yes, I said if you wanted to marry me?”

Me: “I don’t know who you are, first of all.”

Female caller: “I’m [name I don’t recognize]. Now, will you?”

Me: “Uh…no. First of all, I have a girlfriend. Second, I’m engaged. Third and final, I’m getting married next week. Better luck with someone else.

Female caller: “So you’re not marrying me?”

Me: “I wouldn’t marry you unless you’re my girlfriend.”

Female caller: “I see. That’s a shame.”

Me: “Huh?”

Female caller: “I am your girlfriend, you dumba**!”

(We still ended up getting married; she was just wondering how faithful I was, apparently!)

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