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Hair-Raising A Baby

| Related | January 5, 2012

(My husband, baby, and I are getting ready for an 80’s party at our neighbor’s house. My mom has just stopped by unexpectedly.)

Mom: “As I was hanging up the phone, I heard you say ‘Ah, my mom’s coming!’ Why?”

Me: “No reason.”

Mom: “Wait, why are you dressed like that? Is the baby wearing hairspray?! Let me take a picture of you guys! You look hilarious!”

Me: “Okay, sure.”

Mom: *to the baby* “Look buddy, I have evidence now. I can probably make a strong case to take custody of you based on this picture alone.”

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Hard To Digest Facts

| Related | January 5, 2012

(My boyfriend is staying over for dinner. Later in the evening, he has to go to the bathroom. He is taking a while.)

Mom: *whispering to me* “Is he okay in there?”

Me: “I’m sure he’s fine.”

Mom: “What’s he doing in there?”

Me: *uncomfortable and confused* “Mom, he’s probably taking a number two.”

Mom: “Why is he doing that?”

(At this point, I have no idea what her problem is. I can’t find a way to answer this politely.)

Me: “Because, he has a functional digestive system?”

Mom: *angry and embarrassed* “Stop talking to me like that! Don’t be smart!”

(I share this conversation with my boyfriend after he is done with his business. He is now scared to take a number two in the same house as my mother.)

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Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 3

, , , | Romantic | January 5, 2012

(I roll over and hug my partner.)

Me: “I love you, babe.”

Partner: *completely asleep, smiling* “Mmhmm. The equivalence of two point five and a half hamburgers!”

(I laugh hysterically while trying not to wake him up.)


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Needs More Than Just A New Color

| Romantic | January 5, 2012

(I’ve just come home from getting my hair done at the hairdressers.)

Him: *eyeballing my suspiciously* “You look different.”

Me: “Mmm-hmm?”

(I wait for him to mention the new hair colour.)

Him: “Yeah. You look…beautiful?”

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An Extra Birth Is Worth The Mirth

| Related | January 4, 2012

(I am 13 months younger than my older sister and was, suffice it to say, unplanned.)

Me: “I would never want to have kids so close together. Two years at least, I think.”

Dad: “Well, what can I say. You were kind of an accident.”

Mom: “Honey, don’t tell her that! She’ll think we didn’t want her!”

Dad: “Okay, dear.” *looks at me* “You weren’t an accident.”

Mom: “Thank you!”

Dad: “You were more of an ‘Oh, crap!’”

Mom: “Honey!”

(At this point I am laughing too hard to even protest.)

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