(My husband and I are watching ‘Downton Abbey’ in our room, when my sister comes home.)

Sister: “What are you watching?”

Me: “Downton Abbey is a British TV drama about a rich family set in 1912.”

Sister: “But, it’s in color…”

(My boyfriend is moving into my apartment. I am very big on watching my shows, but he hates them. He is one of the sweetest men you could ever meet, but we love to make fun of each other.)

Boyfriend: “Trust me, there will be a time when you’ll be like, ‘Where are you going?’” Then, I’ll say, ‘To watch my shows in the bedroom.’ You’ll say, ‘Do you need anything?’ And I’ll say, ‘No!’”

Me: “So, you are going to be an a**hole?”

Boyfriend: “No, I was imitating you!”

(I have just returned from a vacation on which I severely sunburnt my nose. My boyfriend is sad that he can no longer bop me on the nose because it is ‘broken’.)

Boyfriend: “It isn’t broken like a broken bone, though. Just broken in the sense that it isn’t really a nose anymore.”

Me: “Did you just call me Voldemort?”

(I am moving into my parent’s loft, a small, one-room house above their garage. I am taking my cat, and am coerced into taking the family’s rabbit too, because I am most tolerant of his size and attitude.)

Uncle: “You know, it’s illegal to have a rabbit and cat in the same loft.”

(There is a pause.)

Me: “You’re just saying that because you know I’m moving into a loft with a rabbit and a cat.”

Uncle: “It’s true. They’re afraid they’ll breed and make ‘carabbits’.”

Me: “Assuming that’s possible, both of them are fixed and they hate each-other.”

(My aunt walks in from the other room.)

Uncle: *to my aunt* “Isn’t it true that it’s illegal to have cats and rabbits together in Colorado?”

Aunt: “Yeah, because they’re afraid they’ll breed and make ‘rabcats’.”

Me: “I love you guys.”

(I’m in Colorado to visit my uncle, and I discover that he has a new girlfriend. We are invited over to her house for dinner. Even though they’ve only been dating for a few weeks, she is very doting and treats me like I am her nephew.)

Uncle’s girlfriend: “Oh, my gosh, you must be my new nephew! You have to meet your cousin!”

(She introduces me to her son, who seems like a pretty cool guy.)

Uncle’s girlfriend: “You boys have fun now. Dinner will be ready soon!”

(My ‘cousin’ and I take turns playing video games. One of the games is ‘Grand Theft Auto’.)

Uncle’s girlfriend: *to her son* “What are you doing?! You can’t let your cousin play that! It’s too violent for a boy his age!”

Her son: “Mom, he’s only a year younger than me!”

Uncle’s girlfriend: *to her son* “Don’t challenge me, young man!” *to me* “Please don’t tell your mother about this! I want to make good with the rest of the family and it would be disheartening to start out as ‘the bad aunt’.”

Me: “Uh, you don’t need to worry about that. I’m visiting from a different country. It’s pretty unlikely that you’ll meet my mom.”

(One awkward dinner with the ‘aunt’ later, my uncle and I return to his place. We carried on our usual routine, until one day he comes back home with an update.)

Uncle: “Okay, so I ended it.”

Me: “Ended what?”

Uncle: “My relationship with [girlfriend].”

Me: “Oh. Why?”

Uncle: “Do you remember that dinner?”

Me: “Right, right. So that was the straw that broke the camel’s back?”

Uncle: “Well, there’s one more.”

Me: “What’s that?”

Uncle: “Her mom’s moving in.”

Me: “I don’t get it.”

Uncle: “Well, when your mother moves in, you would normally say ‘My mom’s moving in,’ correct?”

Me: “Yes.”

Uncle: “Instead of that, she said ‘Your future mother-in-law’s moving in.'”

Me: “What?!”

Uncle: “That’s what I said!”