(I am chuckling while reading the paper. I am reading an article about malapropisms, where people get clichés wrong. Instead of the phrase ‘screaming like a banshee’, they would say ‘running around like a banshee’, or ‘jumping like a banshee’. A banshee is an Irish ghost that’s known for screaming or wailing. As my family is Irish, I figured my mom would know this.)

Me: “Get this. This person used the phrase ‘jumping around like a banshee’.”

Mom: “Well, that’s what they do.”

(I look puzzled.)

Mom: “They jump up and down.”

Me: “Mom, banshees scream.”

Mom: “Right, they scream, and they hop up and down.”

Me: *exasperated* “Mom, do you know what a banshee is?”

Mom: “It’s like a chicken, but smaller!”

(I’m visiting my family for a holiday. The whole family is relaxing on the lounge. My sister is massaging my husband’s head, which is what I’d be doing if I wasn’t playing a computer game with one hand and the other around my husband.)

Sister: “Do you mind if I massage his head?”

Me: “I don’t mind if you do that. I would do that if I had a third hand.”

Sister: “I am your third hand!”

My Husband: “Once removed… on your mother’s side.”

(My brother has invited his girlfriend over for the first time, and the three of us are on one team for Taboo. Having grown up together, we’re an excellent pair. We win several in a row.)

Me: “Oh, this is an easy one! Grandma’s dating one of these!”

Brother: “Murderer? Convict? Prisoner?”

Me: *after we run out of time* “Criminal, you idiot!”

Brother’s Girlfriend: *laughing* Is that some sort of joke you guys have going on?”

Me: “No. Our Grandma’s really dating a guy in prison for murder!”

(My mother is babysitting a 5 year old and a baby that’s barely beginning to speak. She calls me over the phone.)

Mom: “Listen! This baby says no to everything!! *to baby* “Do you want to go to bed?”

Baby: “No!”

Mom: “Do you want a pony?”

Baby: “No!”

Mom: “Do you want more ice cream?”

Baby: “No!”

5 year old: “More ice cream? I want more ice cream! There’s red ice cream in the fridge! Come on, I’ll show you!”

Mom: “No, that’s not what I—“

5 year old: “Come on, more ice cream! You said!”

Mom: *to me* “I think I need to go now.”

(My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. However, since he went to a different university, this is the first time I have met his friend. After spending an evening together, we decide to give his friend a ride.)

Me: “So I can—”

Boyfriend: “Wait, but—”

Me: “I know, but the—”

Boyfriend: “Well, I know—”

Me: “I can take—”

Boyfriend: “Okay, sounds good!”

Me: *turning to my boyfriend’s friend* “Okay, let’s go!”

Boyfriend’s friend: “What just happened?”

Me: “Oh, I’ll drive you because [boyfriend’s] drank, and I can only drive one non-family member.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, and I asked her if she’s okay coming back home alone, so we decided that she’ll take her sister with you guys.”

Boyfriend’s Friend: “You… you guys communicate telepathically?!”