Children Listening Is A Bit Hit And Miss

| Related | December 21, 2011

(The children are hanging out in front of the TV.)

Mom: “Don’t hit your brother.”

Daughter: “But, dad told me to!”

Mom: “And you listened?”

Daughter: “Um, yeah! It was a chance to hit my brother!”

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Dating Can Tie You Down

| Romantic | December 21, 2011

(I’m lying in bed with the guy I’m dating. He physically picks me up and moves me to the outside of the bed. I usually sleep on the inside by the wall, so I raise my concern.)

Me: “I have to sleep on the outside? What if I fall off the bed?”

Him: “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you don’t fall off.”

Me: “Aw, that’s sweet.”

Him: “Yeah, I’m going to tie you up. Then you won’t be going anywhere.”

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Grandma’s Secret Ingredient

| Related | December 20, 2011

Mom: “So, what’s this we’re having for dinner?”

Grandma: “It’s… marinada…. marinade… Marijuana sauce!”

Me: “Grandma, it’s marinara sauce!”


This story is part of our Gorgeous Grandmas roundup!

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Old Couples Become Divorced From Reality

| Romantic | December 19, 2011

(I am talking to my grandfather.)

Grandpa: “Aye, marriage is hard. There were many times I would have divorced your Grandma over the years.”

(Granny walks in, and I feel awkward considering what my Grandpa has just said.)

Grandma: “What are you two talking about?”

(I start to think of a lie to tell her, when my Grandpa repeats what he said.)

Grandma: “Pfft! I would have divorced you first!”

Grandpa: “No, you wouldn’t.”

(They proceed to argue about who would have divorced who first, despite the fact they’ve been happily married more than 40 years.)

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Vexed By The Ex’s Pecks

| Romantic | December 19, 2011

(My boyfriend used to go out with my best friend. They had a rather difficult break-up after she cheated on him. We’re still friends, but since their break-up, she hasn’t really spent much time with my boyfriend. My sister is claiming that she saw them together.)

Sister: “I’m telling you, I saw them together.”

Me: “Are you sure it wasn’t someone who looked like [best friend]?”

Sister: “It was her. They were at the mall together.”

Me: “Well, maybe they’re just trying to patch up their friendship. It’s fine, I trust him.”

Sister: “But, I saw him kissing her!”

Me: “I’ll show no mercy.”

(I’m in tears by the time my boyfriend comes home. He tries to hug me but I stop him.)

Me: “Were you out with [best friend] today?”

Him: “Yeah, I met up with her at the mall and we decided to put our past behind us to hang out for a bit.”

Me: “So, my sister was lying when she said she saw you kissing her?”

Him: “No… I… well; I kissed her cheek because she helped me with something.”

(He gets down on one knee and opens up a box from his pocket.)

Him: “She helped me pick this out for you.”

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