And Fatheaded Men, Too

| Romantic | October 30, 2011

(My boyfriend and I are talking about Chinese wedding dresses after a friend of his got married.)

Me: “If we ever get married, I’m gonna have to get one made here before we go.”

Boyfriend: “Why? They do sell them there.”

Me: “Well, yes, but I’m not exactly shaped like a Chinese girl. ”

Boyfriend: “Oh, it’s okay. We have fat girls in China too!”

(For the record, I was referring to the fact that I have a decently sized chest. I did end up marrying him and found the one dress that fit me, too!)

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Til Deaf Do Us Part

| Romantic | October 28, 2011

(My mom is deaf in one ear, so she can’t hear very well. My dad takes advantage for fun, but he’s starting to go deaf too.)

Mom: *sneezes*

Dad: “Shut up!”

Mom: “Thank you!”

Dad: “You’re welcome. See? This is why I married this woman.”

Me: *stifling a laugh* “Dad, what are you going to do when you start losing your hearing?”

Dad: “Huh?”

Mom: “What?”

Me: “Oh god, never mind. You two are perfect for each other.”

Dad: “Huh?”

Mom: “What’d he say?”

Dad: “What’d you say?”

Mom: “Huh?”

Dad: “What?”

(I slam my head on my desk out of frustration.)

Mom: “Why’s he slamming his head on the table?”

Dad: “I dunno.”

Mom: “What?”

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Know When To Disagree To Agree

| Romantic | October 28, 2011

(Note: we’re sitting at home watching a sci-fi action movie.)

Me: “This is definitely a guy’s movie. The short nerdy guy gets the hot exotic model type.”

Husband: “Yep, every guy’s dream!”

Me: “Yeah, but in real life normal men get boring, plain women like me!” *laughs*

Husband: “That is so true…”

Me: *speechless*

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How To Wipe Out A Relationship

| Romantic | October 27, 2011

(My sister is at her boyfriend’s house for dinner with his family. She’s excited and nervous because he’d told her it would be “a night you’ll never forget.” She has a habit of always unfolding napkins and setting them on her lap before eating, which he’s teased her about before. When she sits down, everyone stares at her, making her feel even more self-conscious.)

Sister: “What’s everyone looking at?”

Boyfriend: “Nothing. So, aren’t you going to open your napkin and put it on your lap?”

(My sister thinks he’s teasing her in front of his family, so she refuses.)

Sister: “No. No I’m not.”

(As dinner progresses, everyone continues to stare at her.)

Sister: *wipes mouth with napkin without opening it*

Boyfriend’s kid sister: *starts laughing uncontrollably*

Sister: “What?! What’s so funny?”

(The kid sister spills her drink from laughing, and my sister automatically reaches to clean up the spill with her napkin.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, for God’s sake!”

(He snatches the napkin from her hand, opens it, and sets it on the table in front of her. Written on the napkin are the words, “Will you marry me?” My sister stares in shock, and then bursts into tears. An awkward silence descends until she buries her face in her boyfriend’s shoulder.)

Boyfriend’s father: “Um. Is that a yes, then?”

(My sister nods, crying too hard to talk. His father proceeds to bring out a cake that says “Congratulations Ashley and Larry!” as my sister continues to cry.)

Boyfriend’s father: “We had another cake that said ‘Thanks Anyway!’ just in case.”

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Spare The Bod, Sell The Husband

| Romantic | October 26, 2011

(I have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, and have just come home from the doctor. I’m in a state of information overload and am talking to my husband about all the surgical options presented (lumpectomy, mastectomy, etc). In all fairness, my husband has been super supportive, but this is not one of his finer moments.)

Me: “I’m not sure what the best option is. It’s a big decision to make.”

Hubby: “Well, honey, whatever you feel right about. If a mastectomy is the best answer for your health, then go for it. You know I’m not a boob guy.”

Me: “Yes, lucky me. But just think babe: after the surgery, I’ll be able to get any kind of boobs I want.”

Hubby: “True. I’m just glad you don’t have butt cheek cancer. I do love your butt. I’d be sad if they had to do a butt-ectomy. Screw the boobs, save the butt!”

Me: “Nice babe, that’s great…”

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