(My boyfriend has been obsessively playing the new game ‘Dishonored’ ever since it came out. He did the first play-through with me, and let me pick what he did. I opted for the stealthy non-lethal version. One night, after coming home from work, I finish talking to my roommates and head back to our room, but can’t find him anywhere. I then hear him downstairs, telling our roommate’s dog to be quiet.)

Me: “There you are! I was just looking for you!”

Boyfriend: “Ah! She saw me! F9! F9! Reload game!”

(He goes running off into the dark downstairs, followed happily by the dog, who thinks it is a new game.)

Boyfriend: “I almost had you!”

Me: *confused* “What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: “I was going to sneak up on you, and then the dog ruined it!”

(He explains that had heard me come home, snuck behind the railing to hide in the bathroom, grabbed a hairbrush to be his sword, and was about to sneak up behind me when the dog found him.)

Boyfriend: “Stupid dogs and their stupid view-cones!”

(My husband and I are both avid carnivores, but I like to switch things up with the occasional vegetarian dish. He usually makes himself something else when I do this.)

Me: “Honey, what do you want for dinner? Your choices are vegetarian chili or roast beef.”

Husband: “Believe it or not, I want the vegetarian chili. I had a giant cheeseburger for lunch, so I want something light.”

Me: *suspiciously* “Okay…”

(Later, as we are eating.)

Husband: “Ugh, why doesn’t this chili contain any meat?”

Me: “Let me get this straight. You requested a vegetarian meal, and now you’re irritated that it doesn’t have any meat?”

Husband: *cheerfully* “I’m so glad I married you! No other woman would understand. Let’s make all our vegetarian food with meat from now on, okay, darling?”

(I’m fourteen and up late because I’m finishing an assignment for school the next day. Mum’s watching TV, eating a cheese-stick. She is watching ‘Queer as Folk’. I’m walking up the hallway to get to the kitchen for a drink; it shares a space with the living area.)

Mum:*flails* “No! Stop! You can’t come in here! It’s not suitable!”

Me:“What? Why not?”

(I realise that there’s a lot of grunting and moaning and wet slapping coming from the TV. I wait by bathroom until I get the all clear.)

Mum:*looking comically scandalised* “Okay, you can come in now.”

Me:“How was it?”

Mum:*mournfully, looking down at her snack* “I don’t really know, but it’s put me off my cheese-stick.”

(The first Xbox has just come out. Dad buys it for my sister and me as a Christmas present. It comes with three games, one of them “Halo,” to which Mum promptly becomes addicted. I’m walking to the kitchen to get a drink; the living room is filled with the sound of sporadic assault rifle fire.)

Me: “Hey, Mum.”

Mum: “Mmm.”

(She is looking very focused. Suddenly, her face lights up.)

Mum: “Yes! I did it!”

Me: “Did what?”

(I go to see what this achievement is.)

Mum: *proudly* “That!”

(She’s painstakingly etched a swear-word on a wall with the assault rifle.)

Me: “Good job, Mum.”

Mum: *cheerfully* “Okay, time to go back to killing things!”

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(We’ve just eaten a large roast meal, and are all lounging around while my mother sorts out some dessert. She comes into the living room and starts talking to my 12-year old brother.)

Mum: “Do you want some apple danish?”

Brother: *looks up* “What flavour is it?”

Mum: “Well, it’s apple danish.”

Brother: “Yeah, but what flavour is it?”

Mum: “Listen to me. It’s apple danish. Apple. Danish.”

Brother: *angrily* “But what flavour is it?”

(My stepdad and I are beside ourselves trying not to laugh at this point.)

Mum: “It’s APPLE danish.”

Brother: “What flavour is it?!”

Mum: yelling “Its blackcurrant!”

Brother: “Oh no, I don’t like that.”

(Later that evening, he saw the left over apple danish and got upset that no one had offered him any.)