(My boyfriend and I are cuddling in bed. I’m laying on my back with my shoulder against his chest, wearing a bra and tank top. My phone has been sliding off the pillow, and falls behind my shoulder. While I’m trying to grab it, he reaches over and gets it first and then tucks it into my bra (which I never do!). I start laughing at him.)
Boyfriend: “What? Isn’t that how that works?”
(I am three years old, and my sister is about one and a half. We are playing in the family room while my mom is in the kitchen. I am building a block tower, and my sister promptly knocks it down.)
Me: “Stop that!”
(This happens about three times. The fourth time after she knocks over a tower…)
Me: “D*** IT, child!”
(Our mom bursts out laughing, and I didn’t even get in trouble. Why? Because mom knew exactly who I learned it from.)
(Exhausted and ready to give birth, but still 4 days overdue with our first child, my husband and I start to look up ways to induce labor. We come across sex as an option.)
Husband: “You up for a little labor induction?”
Me: “Yes, ripen my cervix.”
Husband: “I love it when you talk dirty.”
(I’m going as Spock for Halloween, and I’m still slowly piecing my costume together.)
Sister: *points to the corkboard above Dad’s desk* “Isn’t that a Star Trek pin?”
Me: “Yeah! Oh, wait, I can’t use that one.”
Sister: “Why not?”
Me: “It’s the Command insignia; I need Sciences/Medical.”
Sister: “Would anybody even notice?”
(I glare at her.)
Sister: “Whoops, she’s giving me that look like ‘I WOULD NOTICE’.
Me: “I don’t want the other geeks to make fun of me!”
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(My aunt makes some chicken noodle soup earlier for my dad. I like soup a lot, but I am a vegetarian. My dad goes into the kitchen and sees there’s some soup left.)
Dad: “There’s some soup left. I bet you want some, huh?”
Me: “No, dad. It has chicken in it.”
Dad: “Yeah, but I think it’s just chicken broth.”
Me: “No, thank you.”
Dad: *checks* “Yeah, there’s no, like, chicken pieces in it. It’s just chicken broth!” *offers it to me*
Me: *face palm*
