Looking For The Constellation Cans Major

| Romantic | November 29, 2011

(My boyfriend and I are video chatting with another guy that I used to date. My boyfriend is continuously reaching for my chest as a joke. I keep slapping him away, laughing.)

Me: “Leave me alone!”

Ex-Boyfriend: “Hey, don’t blame him. They’re so big they have their own gravitational pull.”

Me: “Ugh.”

(My boyfriend reaches for something on his desk and holds it up.)

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I always have to use this to find them.”

Me: “What’s that?”

Boyfriend: “A star chart!”

(The two collapse into laughter as I try and figure out how I keep dating men who love to mock me.)

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Old Married Couples 101

| Romantic | November 28, 2011

(My dad is doing some work in a dimly lit room when my mom walks by.)

Mom: “Would you turn on the lamp above you? I swear, you’re going to go blind!”

Dad: *jokingly* “What? Who said that? Who’s there?”

Mom: “Excuse me while I don’t laugh.”

Dad: “Come on, I’m funny!”

Mom: “Yeah, you’re hilarious.” *flatly* “Ha. Ha. Ha. Oh, my sides are splitting. Oh, my stomach. Ow. Ha ha ha.”

Dad: “Hey, there are plenty of other women out there that would enjoy my sense of humor!”

Mom: “Pfft.”

Me: *laughing*

Mom: “Don’t encourage him!”

Dad: “I love you, honey.”

Mom: “I love you too. Now shut up and turn on the damn lamp.”

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How To Headshot The Mood

| Romantic | November 27, 2011

(I’m watching a movie with a guy I like. He has his arm around me, and we’re cuddling.)

Guy: “You know what’s great?”

Me: “What?”

Guy: “That we can just sit here like this…”

(Right as I am about to say something about how cute that is, he continues.)

Guy: “…and that Modern Warfare 3 comes out tomorrow.”

Me: *speechless*

Guy: “Actually, Modern Warfare 3 is way more exciting.”

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The Pig Calling The Cattle Black

| Romantic | November 25, 2011

(My then-wife and I are in the midst of an argument.)

Me: “Look, you moody cow –”

Wife: “Don’t ever call me that! No human being should ever be compared to an animal, you male, chauvinist–”

(She stops suddenly. Knowing what she is about to say next, I chime right in.)

Me: “Pig?”

Wife: *laughs*

(Although we’re no longer together, we didn’t split up for another five years.)

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Sorry, His Thighs Are Tastier Than Yours

| Romantic | November 25, 2011

(One night in bed, my boyfriend rolls over and snuggles against my back. I tend to tease him when he gets affectionate.)

Me: “Are you expressing some carnal desires there, babe?”

Boyfriend: “Mmm…KFC.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Sorry. I thought you said ‘colonel’.”

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