(My mom and I are taking a walk and pass a neighbor’s house.)

Mom: “Oh! I like her bread!”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “Grass. I like her grass. How in the world did I get to bread?”

Me: “Because her grass looks like wheat, which is used in making bread?”

Mom: “Yes. That’s exactly the path. That’s scary.”

(I am about six years old. My adoptive father is very taciturn, with possibly the world’s best deadpan face.)

Me: *loudly to everyone at dinner* “Are babies really brought by storks?”

Dad: “Sometimes. You were brought here by a turkey vulture.”

Me: *sulks*

(To this day, I still tell my husband that I was brought to my family by turkey vultures.)

Boyfriend: “I like you. You’re the bee’s knees.”

Me: “Yeah? Well you’re the… aphid’s… navel…”

Boyfriend: “Why an aphid?? And navel doesn’t even rhyme!”

Me: “It was the first thing that came to mind! Okay, wait, you’re the ant’s pants! You’re the beetle’s needles! You’re the bug’s mug! You’re the fly’s thighs!”

Boyfriend: “Ooh, I like that one.”

Me: “You’re the… you’re the…”

Boyfriend: “Are you all out?”

Me: “No! You’re the… the… mantis’s… fantasies!”

Boyfriend: “Aw. Nice try, though.”

(My younger cousin and I are sitting in the living room. I’m about twelve, and he’s about five.)

Me: “So, sweetie, how are you liking kindergarten?”

Cousin: “It’s great! I’m making lots of friends!”

Me: “Got any girlfriends?”

Cousin: *heavy sigh* “Well, I used to have a girlfriend, but then I had too much fun with another girl, and she broke up with me.”

(It’s my boyfriend’s birthday, and he’s just opened his parents’ presents, amongst which include a new winter hat. I am also staying over a couple of nights. We were just about to go into his room.)

Boyfriend’s dad: “So, you like your new presents?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, thanks.”

Boyfriend’s dad: “At least you have something to keep your head warm now.”

Boyfriend: *shutting his bedroom door* “And I’m sure I’ll find a use for the hat too!”