(My boyfriend and I are were in a long-distance relationship for three and a half years, but he has finally graduated and moved back home. We’re not usually particularly talkative about feelings, so I’m surprised when I see him with a mushy expression on his face as he looks at me.)

Boyfriend: “I love you. I can’t even begin to—oh, wait yes I can.”

Me: “Aw, thank you. That was very romantic.”

Boyfriend: *proudly* “I know!”

Me: “And I love you, too.”

Boyfriend: “I was going to say ‘I can’t even put it into words’, and then I realized that was EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING.”

(Note: My father, brother, and I all work in the Information Technology field. One day, we get a telemarketing call at home.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Hello, sir! I am calling on behalf of Microsoft to inform you that your computer has a virus on it.”

(Already knowing that this is a scam call, I start to mess with the guy.)

Me: “Oh really? You don’t say!”

Telemarketer: “It’s true, sir! I can assist you in removing the virus.”

Me: “Just a moment…”

(I put my palm over the phone to make sure the guy doesn’t hear me as I talk to my father and brother.)

Me: “So, there’s apparently a virus in the house. It’s Microsoft on the line. Should I be gentle?”

My Father: “I would have hung up my now, but hey, go for it.”

My Brother: “This’ll be good.”

Me: *I uncover the phone* “Okay, so which computer has the virus?”

Telemarketer: “…I’m sorry?”

Me: “There are a total of eight computers in this house. I need to know which one has this virus.”

Telemarketer: “It’s the one in use right now.”

Me: “Oh?” *away from the phone* “Who’s on the computer!? Everyone!?” *back to to the telemarketer* “Okay, what operating system are you referring to?”

Telemarketer: “Uh… Window’s Vista?”

Me: ‘Oooh, so close. All the computers in this house run either XP or Windows 7.”

Telemarketer: “Then it’s one of the—”

Me: “Let me stop you right there. I should have mentioned that three of the five people in this household work in the IT field. I also happen to know for a fact that Microsoft doesn’t involve itself with computer virus removal, especially by phone call, so clearly this is just a scam to get personal information. Am I close?”

Telemarketer: “Uhh—”

Me: “So tell you what: I’m going to impart some advice onto you. Remove my number from the database, and tell all your friends that this number shouldn’t be contacted ever again.”

Telemarketer: *click*

Me: “You know, sometimes I almost pity them.”

My Father: “Your brother was right. That was funny!”

(My fiancé has come to visit me at my parents house during spring break. I am so excited I make dozens of cookies and three cakes before he arrives. The morning after, we are snuggling on the couch.)

Fiancé: “I thought you didn’t like to cook?”

Me: “I don’t. Baking is different, I’m actually good at it.”

Fiancé: “Is that why you always make me cook?”

Me: “Yes.”

Fiancé: “Well what are you going to do when I won’t cook for you anymore?”

Me: “I’ll get very fat from eating cake for breakfast.”

Fiancé: “You can’t have cake for breakfast!”

(My mom walks in from the kitchen in her pyjamas with a big plate of cake.)

Mom: “The h*** you can’t!”

(My husband has just come home from work. He works nights and forgot his key, so he has to wake me up to have the door opened. We live in a relatively safe neighborhood, but there have been a few disturbances lately. We both realize that we have mildly paranoid personalities and like to make jokes of it.)

Husband: “We really need a safe word just in case.”

Me: “Why would we need that? It’s not like anyone would want to get in here.”

Husband: “You never know. Some people just like to be violent.”

Me: “Okay. Banana hammock.”

Husband: “That’ll be a good start.”

Me: “Seriously? Verbal codes can’t stand out. Anyone can watch you and know that you need to say ‘banana hammock’ to get in, and when you don’t they’ll know you’ve told me something’s wrong.”

Husband: “No, it’s not like anyone would pay that much attention.”

Me: “You never know. Some people like to stalk their prey. We’d have to change the safe word every time you use it.”

Husband: “No, we wouldn’t.”

Me: “Yes, we would. We have to use something normal. How about ‘I forgot my keys on the bathroom counter’?”

Husband: “That would work.”

Me: “Of course it would. If you want to impose verbal security on me, you’d better get it right!”

Boyfriend: “Can I say something?”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You stole my heart.”

Me: “Did I?”

Boyfriend: “Uh huh. And just to be fair, I stole yours.”

Me: “Well, I didn’t mean to steal your heart. You stole mine on purpose.”

Boyfriend: “Do you want it back?”

Me: “Nah. You can keep it.”

Boyfriend: “Thanks.”

Me: “Promise me you won’t break it.”

Boyfriend: “I promise.”