(I have recently moved into my own apartment, and my siblings still live with my parents. I am hanging out at my place and get a call from my dad.)

Me: “Hey Dad, what’s up?”

Dad: “I have a question for you.”

Sister: *in background* “Oh, God…”

Dad: “What is the little snowflake button for in the car?

Me: “Seriously?”

Dad: “Yes.”

Me: “The air conditioning. Why?”

Dad: *to my sister* “Your sister knows what it’s for!”

Me: “She didn’t know what it was for, did she?”

Sister: *in background* “Oh, shut up!”

Me: “Oh man, what happened?”

Dad: *laughing* “She thought it was broken on her brand new car, so she’s been driving around without A/C all summer!”

Me: “It’s been over 100 degrees out! What did she…?”

Sister: *grabs phone from my dad* “I thought it was the defroster. Okay!? Geez!”

(We’re getting ready to travel to a family friend’s, which is at least an hour drive.)

Dad: *drinking lots of coffee* “If the caffeine doesn’t keep me awake, the need to pee will!”

(Because my birthday is 11 days before Christmas, we save the family birthday party for when I come home for Christmas. We have just finished dinner and my dad asks my mom where the birthday cake is. Thinking he’s being subtle, he asks the question in French.)

Dad: “Où est le gâteau ?”

(Mom doesn’t understand.)

Dad: “Où est le gâteau ?”

(Mom still doesn’t understand.)

Me: *piping up* “He’s asking where my birthday cake is!”

Dad: “Shush! You’re not supposed to know that!”

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(My stepmom is in the kitchen preparing dinner.)

Stepmom: “Wait! No! Stop! Undo! Undo! Cancel! Stop! NOOO!” *she starts yelling for my dad* “Honey, you have to come help me right now! The chicken is going to catch on fire! Help!”

(By now the whole family is in the kitchen to see what’s going on. My stepmom is frantically mashing buttons on the range and pulling at the oven door, which appears to be locked.)

Dad: “What happened?”

Stepmom: “I put the chicken in the oven and pressed the ‘Self Clean’ button instead of ‘Timer’! The oven locked and it’s going to heat up to 900 degrees and the chicken is going to catch on fire! You have to rescue our chicken!”

(The house was brand new and the circuit breaker box was poorly labelled. My dad ended up having to cut off the power to the whole house to find the right breaker to reset the oven!)

(My boyfriend is in the washroom freshly showered, getting ready for work.)

Boyfriend: “Babe, if you happened to pop a zit near my collarbone while you were biting it earlier, would you want me to tell you?”

Me: “…No.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, I won’t.”