(My family is watching ‘Mary Poppins’. Two of my younger siblings are in another corner of the room arguing over some small thing or another. The scene comes on with the song ‘Feed the Birds’.)
Mom: “I love this song.”
(My younger siblings continue their argument in the corner.)
Me: “That’s Mom-speak for shut up and watch the movie.”
(My sister and I are teenagers. We were sitting at the dinner table telling ‘your mama’ jokes with our 8-year-old brother.)
Me: “Your mama’s so fat, when she wears a green dress, people play golf on her!”
Sister: “Your mama’s so fat, when she wears red, people yell, ‘KOOL-AID’!”
(We all crack up, and then my little brother decides to make up one of his own after this theme.)
Brother: “Your mama’s so fat… when she wears yellow… I ride her home from school!”
(My sister and I sit open mouthed. He was so proud of himself, not realizing there was a double meaning in what he was saying!)
(I have recently moved into my own apartment, and my siblings still live with my parents. I am hanging out at my place and get a call from my dad.)
Me: “Hey Dad, what’s up?”
Dad: “I have a question for you.”
Sister: *in background* “Oh, God…”
Dad: “What is the little snowflake button for in the car?
Me: “Seriously?”
Dad: “Yes.”
Me: “The air conditioning. Why?”
Dad: *to my sister* “Your sister knows what it’s for!”
Me: “She didn’t know what it was for, did she?”
Sister: *in background* “Oh, shut up!”
Me: “Oh man, what happened?”
Dad: *laughing* “She thought it was broken on her brand new car, so she’s been driving around without A/C all summer!”
Me: “It’s been over 100 degrees out! What did she…?”
Sister: *grabs phone from my dad* “I thought it was the defroster. Okay!? Geez!”
(Because my birthday is 11 days before Christmas, we save the family birthday party for when I come home for Christmas. We have just finished dinner and my dad asks my mom where the birthday cake is. Thinking he’s being subtle, he asks the question in French.)
Dad: “Où est le gâteau ?”
(Mom doesn’t understand.)
Dad: “Où est le gâteau ?”
(Mom still doesn’t understand.)
Me: *piping up* “He’s asking where my birthday cake is!”
Dad: “Shush! You’re not supposed to know that!”
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(My stepmom is in the kitchen preparing dinner.)
Stepmom: “Wait! No! Stop! Undo! Undo! Cancel! Stop! NOOO!” *she starts yelling for my dad* “Honey, you have to come help me right now! The chicken is going to catch on fire! Help!”
(By now the whole family is in the kitchen to see what’s going on. My stepmom is frantically mashing buttons on the range and pulling at the oven door, which appears to be locked.)
Dad: “What happened?”
Stepmom: “I put the chicken in the oven and pressed the ‘Self Clean’ button instead of ‘Timer’! The oven locked and it’s going to heat up to 900 degrees and the chicken is going to catch on fire! You have to rescue our chicken!”
(The house was brand new and the circuit breaker box was poorly labelled. My dad ended up having to cut off the power to the whole house to find the right breaker to reset the oven!)
