(My friend has recently come out as a lesbian to her friends, and is ready to come out to her family. She has decided to tell her parents in their living room.)

Friend: “So… I’m gay.”

(There’s a long pause, until finally her dad reaches out and pats the back of her hand.)

Dad: “That’s okay, honey; I get it. I like them, too.”

(I’m working on a very frustrating art project. My boyfriend and I have recently had a conversation about Praying Mantis mating behavior.)

Me: “Ugh! Can I chop off your head?”

(My boyfriend replies off-hand, and without hesitation.)

Boyfriend: “Only if you mate with me first…”

(He pauses.)

Boyfriend: “…and then eat it.”

(My husband is emptying his pockets so I can wash his jeans; among other things he unearths nine pennies. My back is turned, and I don’t realize what he’s doing. Suddenly, the nine pennies clatter down onto my head.)

Me: “What the heck was that?!”

Husband: “I was just trying to knock some cents into you.”

(My dad is on the phone with my aunt. They get on to the subject of vampire movies. I’m sitting on the couch, reading.)

Dad: “What? Twilight? No, the girls don’t like it.”

(Dad turns his attention to me.)

Dad: “Your aunt wants to know why you and your sister don’t like Twilight.”

(I stare for a few seconds, then speak loud enough for my aunt to hear.)

Me: “Is she serious? Meyer’s writing is atrocious, her characters are totally unlikeable and unbelievable. ‘Ed-tard’ is a stalker who is also an emotionally abusive jerk. Bella is a b**** who is completely oblivious to things that happen to her own body; such as not realizing when she has stopped breathing. Would she like for me to go on?”

Dad: “No, she says that’s enough.”

(I am reading a bedtime story with my young sons. Tonight’s story is about creation from the Bible.)

Me: “God made light, the water, sky, plants, sun, moon, stars, birds and fishes, and God saw that it was good. On the 6th day, God said—”

Son: “…thank Me, it’s Friday!”