(I send my dad a quick text message that just says, ‘Love you!’. I receive a blank text message from him. A minute later he calls me…)
Me: “Hello.”
Dad: “Thanks! Love you, too!”
Me: “I love you, but I really love that you have no idea how to text.”
Dad: “I sent you a text.”
Me: “Yeah, with no content.”
Dad: “Oh, is it supposed to?”
(I am home with my young daughter and husband. I am deathly afraid of spiders, and my daughter knows it. She comes in from the back garden, her hands cupped, sporting a devilish smile.)
Me: “Uh, honey?”
(My daughter slowly approaches me, revealing she has a small spider in her hand.)
Me: “Honey, don’t come any closer! Mummy is scared of spiders!”
(My husband then grabs my daughter and carries her away.)
Daughter: “But daddy! You’re not scared of spiders!”
Husband: “Yes, but I am scared of your mother!”
(My boyfriend has just finished telling me all about the new Starcraft game.)
Me: “Would you still love me if I were the Queen of Blades?”
Boyfriend: “Depends. Did you massacre all those people?”
Me: “Yes.”
Boyfriend: “Then it’s questionable. Would you still look like a giant bug?”
Me: “Yes.”
Boyfriend: “Then no; you’d have to go off with the swarm.”
Me: “And you could come with me! You could be the King of Blades!”
Boyfriend: “No! I’m not hanging out with the swarm. You don’t play the game; you don’t know what the swarm’s like.”
Me: “I do know; I’m the Queen of Blades.”
Boyfriend: “Then you’re a giant bug.”
Me: “No. I’m a lady bug.”
Boyfriend: “Still a bug, and I wouldn’t stay with you.”
Me: “You’re a terrible person.”
Boyfriend: “At least I’m a person, bug woman.”
(My parents and I are having a conversation happens over dinner. We’re talking about Sean Bean.)
Me: “It’s true, though; Sean Bean always dies.”
Dad: “He died in Game of Thrones, and Lord of the Rings.”
Me: “It’s like he’s type-cast for it.”
Mom: “I haven’t seen Mr. Bean in a few years, either.”
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(My sister is getting married the next day, and I’m her maid of honor. I’m writing my speech for the reception.)
Me: “Oh, no! I’ve just realized something!”
Sister: “What is it?”
Me: “Is it okay if my maid of honor speech makes it sound like you’re dead?”
