Volume Is Relative

| Related | May 27, 2012

(I am helping my mother prepare vegetables for supper. I decide to use her docking station to play some dub-step music, which can be pretty obnoxious to someone who isn’t into it.)

Mom: *gives me a pleading look*

Me: *sighs* “Okay, fine. I’ll turn it off.”

Mom: “No, no, just maybe turn it down, is all!”

Me: “It is down!”

Mom: “That’s what I used to say to your grandmother when I was a teenager!”

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Appreciate His Perfect Delivery

| Romantic | May 26, 2012

(I have been out of the country for several weeks. My boyfriend and I live together, and he has held on to my keys while I was gone. It is Sunday morning, a few days after I have returned. I’m a student of ancient history, and can read ancient Egyptian.)

Boyfriend: “I lost my mailbox key while you were gone, so I took yours.”

Me: “Really? Why don’t you just get a new one from the management company?”

Boyfriend: “Laziness.”

Me: “Great. Thanks.”

Boyfriend: “Here’s the key. Why don’t you go down and get the mail?”

Me: “No, I’m going out for a run.”

Boyfriend: “Seriously, just go get the mail.”

Me: “Why can’t you put your pants on and go downstairs? Oh, fine! But I’m running first!”

(On my way back from my run, I hit the lobby to get the mail, still grumbling about my boyfriend’s laziness. I open up the mailbox to find a white card, with Egyptian hieroglyphs on it. I realize the card reads, “Will you be my wife?” I immediately think my boyfriend is playing a cruel joke. I head upstairs. Just as I open the door, my boyfriend is on his knee, in his PJs.)

Boyfriend: “Will you marry me?”

Me: *laughing* “Yes!”

(It turns out that he had to keep me from using the mailbox because he had been receiving so much wedding-related advertisements after purchasing my ring!)

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Totally Doing It On Porpoise

| Related | May 26, 2012

Me: *remarking on a pair of dolphin earrings I received as a gift* “These are so cute! I love dolphins!”

Dad: “Arf, arf!”

Me: “That’s seals, Dad.”

Dad: “Oh, yeah.”

(He makes a horrible, ear-splitting squeak, presumably meant to imitate a dolphin.)

Mom: *to me* “He’s trying.”

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Dora Who

| Related | May 26, 2012

(My mother and I are watching ‘Dora the Explorer’ with my two-year-old sister.)

Me: “I’ve come up with this theory that Dora is actually in a coma, and all of this is her imagination.”

Mom: “Tch, my ‘Dora is a Time Lord’ theory is better.”

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She’s An Eyes Cold Grandma

| Related | May 25, 2012

(My family and I are at my uncle’s house for Christmas. My grandmother’s eyelids had been drooping enough to obstruct her vision, so she had recently gotten surgery to correct it, and her eyes are all black and blue. My parents and I didn’t know she’d had the surgery yet, so seeing her eyes all bruised up is a bit surprising.)

Mom: “My God, Mom! Your eyes look like they hurt! Are you okay? What happened?”

Grandma: “You think this is bad, you should see the other lady!”


This story is part of our Gorgeous Grandmas roundup!

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