(My 15-year-old daughter has the dishwasher open, and is pulling dishes out. Normally she won’t put anything away unless she’s been told.)

Me: “Did I tell you to put away the dishes?”

Daughter: “No.”

Me: “Well, thank you! That’s very sweet of you!”

(She freezes and stares at me. I then notice there’s a pack of ramen on the counter, and the pan she uses for ramen is in the dishwasher.)

Me: “Were you going to get out your ramen pan, and just shove the rest back into the dishwasher?”

Daughter: “Well, I was. Now you’ve gone and made it all awkward!”

(I hate surprises, especially expensive ones. I get really worried I won’t like the present, and that it’ll be a massive waste of the giver’s money. I have just found out my boyfriend has spent $650 on me for our anniversary. I am panicking about it to my mum.)

Me: “He says it represents exactly how he feels about me, and what he wants to tell me.”

Mum: “Oh, do you think it’s going to be all cheesy?”

Me: “I don’t know! But $650? I can’t think of anything I’d spend that much money on! Well, I can, but I don’t think they represent how he feels about me.”

Mum: “Why? What would you spend that much money on?”

Me: “A taxidermy fox.”

Mum: “Yeah… let’s hope that’s not how he feels about you.”

Me: “Ooh, there’s something else I’d spend that much money on.”

Mum: “What?”

Me: “Tickets to see Philip Quast.”

(Philip Quast is an actor/singer I have a massive crush on. My mum laughs and impersonates my boyfriend.)

Mum: “I feel for you, the way you feel for Philip Quast.”

(The gift ends up being a really nice necklace. The funny thing is that he wrote a Philip Quast innuendo in my card, and was insulted when I didn’t get the reference.)

(My fiancée and I are laying in bed. I have bad circulation, so my feet get very cold very easily. We are also both huge geeks, and are rather prone to making Dungeons And Dragons jokes. I start trying to burrow my feet into my fiancée’s blankets to warm my feet against his.)

Fiancée: “What are you doing? No! No! I’m protected by my Blanket Wall +4!”

(He pulls his blankets in tight around himself.)

Me: “Ha! I have a natural burrow speed.”

(I manage to burrow my feet in under his blankets again.)

Fiancée: “No! Magic Blanket Wall +4! Why aren’t you regenerating?!”

Me: ”Must have failed the Fort Save needed to regenerate…”

(I eventually win the battle and get my feet warmed up, but it doesn’t really matter. By this point we are laughing so hard we can’t sleep anyways.)

(It’s Easter, and my Catholic family are visiting. I decide to make small talk.)

Me: “So, what did you guys give up for Lent?”

Aunt: “I gave up chocolate.”

Cousin: “I gave up some of my computer time.”

Widowed Grandmother: “I gave up sex.”

(I am having a heart-to-heart with my dad.)

Me: “I want to just move out, you know? Be on my own; spread my wings and fly!”

Dad: “I understand. Just like a dodo bird overlooking a cliff…”

Me: “Dad, dodo birds are extinct; they didn’t fly either.”

Dad: “…and the cliff overlooks plains full of great white sharks that have developed a taste for dodo birds…”