Married To Sheldon Cooper

| Romantic | February 19, 2012

(My wife and I are discussing several people we know who have left their spouses in the last few weeks. My wife is also a biologist.)

Wife: “Does it worry you that all these people are splitting up?”

Me: “Of course not, you’re my lobster.”

Wife: “Huh?”

Me: “It’s from ‘Friends’. Phoebe says that lobsters mate for life.”

Wife: “Well, I find that highly unlikely! They have the most rudimentary brains! They can’t recognize individuals! They don’t know who they’re mating with!”

 

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A Hard Hat For Protection

| Related | February 19, 2012

(My older brother has turned eighteen. He is going to go on a camping trip with his friends and girlfriend. I am playing videogames and overhear him talking to Mom.)

Mom: “Alright, you’re all ready?”

Brother: “Yeah.”

Mom: “Okay. Now that you’re eighteen, I can’t tell you not to go on this trip, and I want you to have fun. So, just remember, always wear a hat when you go inside her house.”

(There is an awkward silence as we process what just happened.)

Me and brother: “Eww!”

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A Hidden A-Gender

| Related | February 19, 2012

(I’m visiting my grandpa at his home, who hasn’t seen my brother and me since we were kids. I’m female, but I have short hair and boyish clothes.)

Me: “Hi, grandpa!”

Grandpa: “My dear grandson, how are you? You’re a really big boy now.”

(My brother walks in behind me.)

Grandpa: “Who’s he, and where’s your sister?”

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A Descent Sense Of Humor

| Related | February 18, 2012

(I’m helping my family move our belongings that we’ve kept in storage for a while. My dad locates a vintage baby carriage.)

Dad: “We’re going to put a baby in here one day.” *turns to me* “I want you to pump out a kid so we can use this.”

Me: “Hey, now. We don’t even know if [boyfriend] is fertile.”

Dad: “That’s okay. We can just borrow some from your brother and do it artificially.”

Me: “What?! Dad!”

Brother’s girlfriend: “The first line of genes will be amazing, but everything after that will be all messed up.”

Dad: “I don’t care. I’ll be dead by then.”

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Not Om-Nominal

| Romantic | February 18, 2012

(Quite often, I like to pretend to eat my girlfriend, in a playful way. This time I pretended to nom her unexposed chest.)

Me: “Nomnomnomnom.”

Girlfriend: “Hey, don’t do that!”

Me: “Why not?”

Girlfriend: “I need those!”

Me: “What do need them for?”

Girlfriend: “To get jobs, and stuff.”

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