No Fork In The Road For These Two

| Romantic | January 26, 2012

(My girlfriend and I are telling one another how much we love each other, and how good a match we are.)

Girlfriend: “You’re the peanut butter to my jelly.”

Me: “You’re the peas in my pod.”

Girlfriend: “You’re the mac to my cheese.”

Me: “You’re the fork to my spoon.”

Girlfriend: *excitedly* “We’ll get to have spork babies!”

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Sharing Wits With The Witnesses

| Related | January 25, 2012

(Note: My brother is a philosophy major, and makes a hobby of logically disputing various religious beliefs. While at home, our doorbell rings.)

Brother: “I’ll get it.”

Me: “Don’t, it’s Jehovah’s Witnesses. We’re ignoring them.”

Brother: “Oh!”

(He enthusiastically heads for the door.)

Me: “No, you cannot play with them.”

Brother: “Aw, you’re no fun!”

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Wise-cracks Are (Tali)Banned

| Related | January 25, 2012

(I am 8 years old at the time. I go downstairs because I am hungry. Note: this takes place before we have found Osama Bin Laden.)

Me: “Daddy, I’m hungry.”

Dad: “It’s really close to dinner, sweetie. You shouldn’t eat too much. But, I guess you can have a few Ritz Crackers.”

Me: “We have Ritz? Where?”

Dad: “In the cabinet, go look.”

(I see them in the cabinet, but close it and turn to him.)

Me: “But I don’t like Ritz!”

Dad: “What? Why would you want to know where something is if you don’t like it?”

Me: “Well, we hate Osama bin Laden, but we’d love to know where he is right now!”

(He sends me to my room, with my mom and sister cracking up at him in the next room.)

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Double Date, Single Rate

| Romantic | January 25, 2012

(My dad has not dated since mom died.)

Dad: “I’m going to put a dating ad in the personals.”

Me: “So, you’re ready to move on. Cool.”

Dad: “How about I include you in the ad? I don’t think they’ll mind a ‘single dad and son looking for girlfriends’ headline. Same cost as one ad, but for both of us.”

Me: *I just stare*

Dad: “Alright, guess not.”

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Color Blind

| Romantic | January 25, 2012

(I am sitting on my bed with my boyfriend. We have been dating for 3 years.)

Boyfriend: “Your eyes are so beautiful.”

Me: *covering my eyes with my hands* “What color are they?”

Boyfriend: “Um, brown?”

Me: “Try green.”

Boyfriend: “Oops.”

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