(My boyfriend and I are sitting together on the couch watching the latest episode of ‘The Big Bang Theory’.)

Character On TV: “However long you think the foreplay should be, triple it.”

(I turn and give my boyfriend ‘The Look’.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, zero times three is still zero.”

(We are at a family get together with my cousins and grandparents. My older cousins have historically always gone out at night before, got trashed, and have eaten everything in the house. My grandpa is fed up, and decides to leave a note for them.)

Grandpa: “If you touch any of this, I will break your fingers knuckle by knuckle.”

(Sure enough, everything is there the next morning.)

(My five-year-old daughter and eight-year-old son are playing together in his room.)

Daughter: “Mom, is superglue real?”

(I am instantly suspicious.)

Me: “Yes, but your brother isn’t allowed to use it on you.”

(She runs back to her brother in another room.)

Daughter: “Mom says it is real, but you’re not allowed to glue me to stuff.”

Son: *maniacal laughter*

(I have just driven home from school, with my twin brother in the passenger seat. He’s in the middle of his video game, so I get out and lock the doors to try to prompt him to finish. He ignores me, so I just go inside the house.)

Mom: “Hello, where’s your brother?”

Me: “He’s in the car.”

(A while later, I get a phone call.)

Brother: “Um… I’m in the car. It’s locked and I can’t get out.”

(My husband and I are laying in bed. I can tell he is about to stick his very cold feet on me.)

Me: “DON’T DO IT! I will divorce you! You can live here and be my lover, but I WILL divorce you!”