(My brother has a fear of being ill. This is unfortunate, because as part of treatment for a stomach condition, I have to take immunosuppressants. As a result, I get ill a lot. I currently have shingles, and my brother is griping to my mum about it.)
Brother: “If I get ill, I won’t be best pleased.”
Mum: “It’s not like your sister will give it to you on purpose.”
Brother: “Well, she can be spiteful at times…”
(We have recently moved into a new house across from a family with lots of kids. The neighbor comes over, and points to me playing in the yard.)
Neighbor: “Is that your oldest daughter?”
Mom: “Well, sort of; she’s the only one.”
Neighbor: “You have boys then?”
Mom: “Nope, just her.”
(The neighbor suddenly looks sad.)
Neighbor: “Oh, you just have the one?”
Mom: “Yeah, I did it right the first time.”
(The neighbor never mentioned my only-child status again.)
(My boyfriend sneezes repeatedly.)
Me: “Bless you.”
Boyfriend: *sneezes*
Me: “Bless you.”
Boyfriend: *sneezes*
Me: “Bless—you know what? F*** it.”
(My aunt is visiting for the weekend. She and my mom are chatting while they cook.)
Mom: “[My name], would you put up a new jug of water?”
(I go and lift the 30 lb. jug onto the water machine. The ladies continue to chat as mom cooks.)
Mom: “[My name], would you open this jar of spaghetti sauce?”
(I open the jar, which is stuck pretty hard. It requires quite a bit of elbow grease. I open it, then hand it back to mom. They continue chatting.)
Mom: “You know, there’s really only two things we need men for: heavy lifting and opening jars.”
Aunt: “Hah! That’s all they’re good for, all right!”
Me: “Anything else you need me to lift or unscrew, since those are the only two things I’m good for?”
Mom: “No, that’s it. You can go.”
(She turns back to the stove, but shrieks in horror.)
Mom: “Yuck! A cockroach! [My name], get it!”
Me: “Not until you admit that men are good for THREE things!”
(I’m in the basement. I’m working on a large scale project, and can’t leave the work unattended.)
Me: “Hey, sis. Can you run to my room and grab the extra pair of craft scissors?”
Sister: “Uh…”
(She is EXTREMELY reluctant, because my room is completely covered in various works in progress. There is basically no floor to walk on.)
Sister: “How am I even supposed to find anything in you room?”
Me: “It’s organized chaos! The scissors are on the floor by the foot of my desk.”
Sister: “Okay…”
(She reluctantly leaves to get my scissors. Almost 10 minutes later I realize she’s been gone for a long time. Fearing she might’ve actually tripped and hurt herself in my clutter, I run up from the basement and shout upstairs.)
Me: “ARE YOU OKAY UP THERE?”
Sister: “SOMEBODY HELP ME! I’M LOST!”
(I start laughing.)
Sister: “No, seriously! It’s like your room moved! I turned around and there’s NO FLOOR! It won’t let me leave!”
(I guide her out when I’m done laughing.)
This story is included in our Cosplay roundup.
