(I’ve called my brother to wish him a happy birthday, then passed the phone to our three-year-old niece.)

Niece: “Hi, uncle [name]! Happy birthday! We’re watching a movie with auntie.”

(There is a pause, and then she points at the TV.)

Niece: “This one.”

(There is another pause, and she slips off the couch and walks right up to the TV.)

Niece: “ THIS ONE!”

(She then grabs the movie case, and holds it over her head.)

Niece: “ THIIIIISSSSS OOONNNNNNEEE!”

Me: “Sweetie, if you can’t see uncle, then he can’t see you.”

(She slowly looks around the room, then speaks calmly.)

Niece: “Oh! We’re watching Muppets.”

Me: “What if I turned into a zombie right now, and started to eat your brains?”

Girlfriend: “Well, you already eat out one end; you might as well go for the other.”

(I’m about three years old, and am obsessed with animals. Mammals, fish, birds, insects, I’m obsessed with them all. I add ‘-y’ to the type of animal, i.e. doggy, kitty, birdy, fishy. I’m in the backyard, ‘playing’ with a hornet. The hornet flies away, and I become upset and chase it.)

Me: “Come back, Horny! Horny!”

(25 years later, my mother still bursts into uncontrollable laughter.)

(My six-year-old daughter is the last one in her grade to still have all of her baby teeth. )

Daughter: “Mom, am I ever going to lose a tooth?”

Me: “I promise you, you will.”

Daughter: “But WHEN?!”

Me: “I don’t know, but probably soon.”

Daughter: “I think it’s never going to happen. I think all of my teeth have their seatbelts on, and they are tightly fastened!”

(I have just gotten into anime and manga.)

Me: “I’ve been reading manga, dad. It’s really interesting.”

Dad: “Isn’t that for people who can’t read that well?”

Me: “Actually, you have to be able to read pretty well to follow it.”

(He has the assumption that all manga is about ‘demons and ritual sacrifice’. I’m trying to describe the manga I’ve been reading.)

Me: “So, it’s about two brothers—”

Dad: “Ah ha! And I’ll bet one sacrifices the other!”

Me: “—and they’re trying to bring back their mother through alchemy—”

Dad: “Ah ha! Alchemy! And one sacrifices the other for the mother?”

Me: “No, dad. Anyway, it goes wrong, and one loses his leg while the other loses his body—”

Dad: “See? Sacrifice!”

Me: “—so the remaining brother sacrifices his arm to attach his brother’s soul to some armor—”

Dad: “See? Sacrifice and alchemy!”

(I stop trying to explain.)

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