(I am having dinner with my mother. My boyfriend’s name starts with the letter D, and my mom loves to be clever.)

Mom: “When are you hanging out with ‘The Big D’ next?”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “Your boyfriend?”

Me: “Don’t call him that!”

Mom: “Why not? I know what it means!”

(My five-year-old daughter is arguing with me.)

Daughter: “You know, mom. Sometimes when I argue with you, I forget you’re not an idiot!”

(I am in college but still live at home. I am writing a psychology paper about homelessness.)

Me: “Save me!”

Dad: “From what?”

Me: “Homelessness!”

Dad: “I thought that is what we were already doing.”

(I’ve called my brother to wish him a happy birthday, then passed the phone to our three-year-old niece.)

Niece: “Hi, uncle [name]! Happy birthday! We’re watching a movie with auntie.”

(There is a pause, and then she points at the TV.)

Niece: “This one.”

(There is another pause, and she slips off the couch and walks right up to the TV.)

Niece: “ THIS ONE!”

(She then grabs the movie case, and holds it over her head.)

Niece: “ THIIIIISSSSS OOONNNNNNEEE!”

Me: “Sweetie, if you can’t see uncle, then he can’t see you.”

(She slowly looks around the room, then speaks calmly.)

Niece: “Oh! We’re watching Muppets.”

Me: “What if I turned into a zombie right now, and started to eat your brains?”

Girlfriend: “Well, you already eat out one end; you might as well go for the other.”