(My girlfriend and I are both women. She has never seen any ‘Star Trek’ before, but is interested in seeing the upcoming film. We’re in my basement watching the 2009 film. Kirk’s academic hearing starts. My girlfriend has literally seen two seconds of Kirk and Spock looking at each other.)

Girlfriend: “Ship it.”

Me: “It took you two seconds to latch onto the fandom’s most popular pairing, bravo!”

(My girlfriend and I—female as well—are below average height. She is notably shorter than me. She comes up and hugs me from behind.)

Girlfriend: “Rawr! I’m a zombie!”

(I feel her stand on her toes and wait, but she drops back down a few seconds later. She sounds absolutely heartbroken.)

Girlfriend: “I’m too short to reach…”

(After I stop laughing, I kneel down in front of her, and she happily chews on my head.)

(My dad and I are notorious for making bad jokes. We’re each discussing our days.)

Brother: “—and so then she threw the rest of the owl pellet at me at the end of the dissection.”

(My dad’s face lights up like he’s about to make a joke. We all groan a little. I strike a pose.)

Me: “Everybody brace yourselves; a bad joke is coming.”

Dad: “Actually, no, I’ve decided not to make that one into a joke.”

(Mom turns to my brother.)

Mom: “ Affirmed, Agent J. The training has begun to succeed.”

(I am the youngest of six kids, and my mother has had glaucoma for 30 years. Her eyesight is not good at all. We are chatting on the phone, and she tells me that she has just renewed her driver’s license, but she prefaces it with this:)

Mom: “I have good news! Well, my kids don’t think it’s such good news, but you might.”

Me: “Gee thanks, mom. Is there something else you want to tell me?”

(I walk into my kitchen to see my mom brandishing a pair of tongs at my brother.)

Mom: “These are tongs; thongs are something that goes on your butt!”

(I stand there awkwardly until by brother sees me.)

Brother: “She just randomly said that! I don’t know!”