(My five-year-old daughter eats at a painfully slow pace, so in order to speed things at the table we usually create ‘eating contests.’ This time, she wants to start one.)

Daughter: “Let’s have a contest!”

Me: “Okay then. Ready… set—”

Daughter: “No! Wait! I have to tell the rules first!”

Me: “Sure, go on.”

Daughter: “Okay. So… the first one, ah… is that there are three rules!”

Me: “Sounds reasonable. Rule number two?”

Daughter: “Rule number two: rule number two is… that everyone must follow the three rules!”

Me: “Wilco. Now, rule number three?”

Daughter: “Rule number three… is that if you don’t follow the three rules you will be disqualified!”

(My boyfriend and I are cuddling.)

Boyfriend: *lets out a huge fart* “Sorry.”

Me: *lets out an equally large fart* “I’m not.”

(My boyfriend is about to go to school, and I’m sitting on the bed. He and I have about a foot difference in height.)

Me: “I want a cuddle!”

Boyfriend: “Heh, sure.” *bends down to embrace me*

Me: “Yes, that’s right. Bend to my will!”

(The family is getting ready to watch TV. My mom is talking to my brother about his chores.)

Mom: “[Brother’s Name], what did I tell you to do?”

Brother: “Umm…”

Mom: “Check the time on the laundry, and check on your sister.”

Me: “I know my favorite way of checking on [Sister’s Name].”

(Without missing a beat, my brother starts bellowing at the top of his voice.)

Brother: “HEY! [SISTER’S NAME]?!”

Sister: *shouting back* “YES?”

Brother: “It’s good; she is alive.”

(I’m standing at the stove cooking, when my six-year-old daughter approaches me. She holds up a piece of paper on which she has pre-written statements.)

Daughter: *first paper* “Is it time for lunch?”

Me: “Not quite. What are you doing?”

Daughter: *next paper* “I’ve decided to use cards.”

Me: “And why have you decided that?”

Daughter: *flips the paper over* “…so you guys can always have quiet from me!”

Me: “Honey, you don’t have to be quiet all the time!”

Daughter: *next paper* “…also, my throat hurts.”

(I crack up; she has answers for everything!)